《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧）8人.docx
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《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧）8人
ThePeacocks’Tale《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧）
Wanderseveryfivemiles
焦仲卿Johnny（Jforshort）刘兰芝Lunch（Lforshort）焦母Johnny’smother（JMforshort）刘母Lunch’smother（LMforshort）太守之子Mayor’sson（MSforshort）强盗Burglars（ABandC）
Prologue
（J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪）
J:
EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,（小声）whilemy
WifeisWuSong.
（指着上台处的门大声道）I’mnotafraidofyou!
（内砸出一脸盆,Ｊ接住当成盾牌护着头）Then,I’mafraidofwhom?
MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,smarterthanme,andstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetenderthanme.Butsheisnot!
Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
（内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J）
MyGod!
Whocanhelpme?
（下）
Act1
（序幕结束时,JM作窃听状）
JM（拄拐棍上）:
Ican!
（对门内）Lunch!
Lunch!
Whereareyou?
L（扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来）:
I’mhere!
What’sup,mum?
JM:
I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law”.
L:
OK.Mymostbeautiful,gracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?
JM:
Sinceyoumarriedmyson,youhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,solazy……
L:
But……
JM:
Neverinterruptme!
L:
Neverinterruptme!
SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardalldaylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchickenand……
JM:
Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
L（生气地挥动着锅铲）:
Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?
（开始解围裙）Goandaskyourson.I’mleaving!
（扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下）
Act2
（LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上）
L:
Mum,I’mback!
LM:
Oh,mydear!
Youareback?
Why?
Whathappened?
L:
Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.
LM（惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情）:
See!
Ihavealreadytoldyou!
WhenyouinsistedonmarryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlistentome.Lookatyourself……
L:
But,mum……
LM:
Neverinterruptme!
L:
Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.Ijustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysright,OK?
AndI’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.
LM（大喜）:
Nicegirl!
Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:
“Ifyourdaughterhaven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!
”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgoandtellhim.（下）
L（惊愕）:
What?
Themayor’sson?
Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?
（手中的锅铲掉在地上）WhatasillythingIhavedone!
（下）
Act3
（J睡眼惺忪上）
J（边走边道）:
Lunch!
Lunch!
Wherearemysocks?
（走了几步,在地上捡起袜子）Heretheyare!
（闻一下）Er!
Howsmelly!
Theyarestilldirty!
（突然想起）Lunchhasgone!
Ihavetowashthemmyself.
（他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来）Oh,I’msohungry!
Butthere’snobreakfast!
（捡起地上的围裙）ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!
Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!
NowShehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.
JM（上）:
Where’smybreakfast?
Where’sLunch?
Hasn’tshegotupyet?
J:
Mum,can’tyouremember?
Lunchhasgone!
JM（沉吟片刻）:
Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Iwaswrong.Lunchisanicegirl,goandtakeherback!
J（立正敬礼）:
Yesmadam!
Act4
（J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗）
A:
Heyyou!
Stopandlistentous!
Theroadisbuiltbyme!
（抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上）
B:
AndIplantedonetree!
（亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上）
C:
Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---（欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚）
AB&C:
Giveusallyourmoney!
J（搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出１角硬币）:
Is1maoenough?
（三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量）
A:
Whatbadluck!
Thisguyisbroken!
B:
Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!
C:
Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand
Robthewedding!
A&B:
Goodidea!
J（惊讶）:
What?
What?
Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?
It’simpossible!
AB&C:
Why?
Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!
J:
ButLunchismywife!
Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!
（突然有了主意）I’vegotanidea!
Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?
I’llgowithyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.
B:
Haveyougotanyexperience?
J:
No.ButI’vegotthis!
（J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄１，０００，０００）
Act5
（转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台）
（J和三强盗跃至台中）
ABC&J:
Heyyou!
Stopandlistentous!
A:
Theroadisbuiltbyme!
B:
AndIplantedonetree.
C:
Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---
J:
Giveusallyourmoney!
（L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头）
L（惊喜万分）:
Johnny!
（不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后）
（MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒）
J（火冒三丈）:
Howdareyoubeatmywife!
（挥拳向MS冲去）
（J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS）（J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前）
J（扶起L，关切地问）:
Honey,howareyou?
L（哭状）:
Ihurtalot!
J:
Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine.（下）
L（起身去追）:
Waitforme!
（跑下）
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