英语笑话.docx

英语笑话.docx

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英语笑话

　　成婚支付的价值

　　Alittleboyaskedhisfather:

Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?

Thefatherreplied:

Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpaying!

!

　吝啬鬼的集会

　　Thenotoriouscheapskatefinallydecidedtohaveaparty.Explainingtoafriendhowtofindhisapartment,hesaid,"Comeuptothefifthfloorandringthedoorbellwithyourelbow.Whenthedooropen,pushwithyourfoot."

　　"Whyusemyelbowandfoot?

"

　　"Well,gosh,"wasthereply,"You'renotcomingempty-handed,areyou?

"

　　成婚支付的价值

　　Alittleboyaskedhisfather:

Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?

　　Thefatherreplied:

Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpaying!

!

　　林肯过生日

　　Teacher:

Whatgreat

eventhappenedin1809?

　　LittleWilly:

AbrahamLincolnwasborn.

　　Teacher:

Correct.Andwhatgreateventhappenedin1812?

　　LittleWilly:

AbrahamLincolnhadhisthirdbirthday.

　　相亲

　　Afterbeingwithherallevening,themancouldn'ttakeanotherminutewithhisblinddate.Earlier,hehadsecretlyarrangedtohaveafriendcallhimtothephonesohewouldhaveanexcusetoleave.Whenhereturnedtothetable,heloweredhiseyes,putonagrimexpressionandsaid,"Ihavesomebadnews.Mygrandfatherjustdied.""Thankheavens,"hisdatereplied."Ifyourshadn't,minewouldhavehadto!

"

　　Therewasalittlegirlwhowasprayinginherbedroom.Whenhergrandfatherpassedby,hetriedtolistenwhileshewaspraying.Butallheheardwas"A,B,C,D,E,F..."throughthewholealphabet.Thegirlreciteditoverandoveragainsothegrandfathersaid,"Heykid,whatareyoudoing?

"Thegranddaughtersaid,"I'mpraying."Sohesaid,"Whatkindofprayeristhat?

"Andthegirlsaid,"Well,ItriedtopraytoGod,butIdon'tknowwhattosaytoHim.SoIgaveHimthewholealphabet,andHecanputittogetherHimself."

　　足智多谋

　　Therewasa75-year-oldmulti-millionairewhohadjustmarriedabeautiful18-year-oldblondgirl.Sohisfriendsaskedhim,"Howdidyoumanagetogetan18-year-oldgirltomarryyou,whenyou're75?

"

　　An导盲犬帮我看

　　Ablindmanwithaseeingeyedogathissidewalksintoagrocerystore.

　　Themanwalkstothemiddleofthestore,picksupthedogbythetail,andstartsswingingthedogaroundincirclesoverhishead.

　　Thestoremanager,whohasseenallthis,thinksthisisquitestrange.So,hedecidestofindoutwhat'sgoingon.Thestoremanagerapproachestheblindmanswingingthedogandsays,"Pardonme.MayIhelpyouwithsomething."

　　Theblindmansays,"Nothanks.I'mjustlookingaround."

　　dtheoldmanreplied,"ItoldherIwas99,soshewouldmarrymequick!

"

　　长命诀窍

　　Awomanwalksuptoalittleoldmanrockinginachaironhisporch.

　　"Icouldn'thelpnoticinghowhappyyoulook,"shesays."What'syoursecretforalong,happylife?

"

　　"Ismokethreepacksaday,drinkacaseofwhiskeyaweek,eatfattyfoodsandnever,everexercise."

　　"Wow,that'samazing,"saysthewoman."Howoldareyou?

"

　　"Twenty-six."

　　交流三明治

　　Twoattorneyswentintoadinerandorderedtwodrinks.Thentheytookoutsandwichesfromtheirbriefcasesandstartedtoeat.

　　Thewaiterbecamequiteconcernedandmarchedoverandtoldthem,“Youcan’teatyourownsandwicheshere!

”Theattorneyslookedateachother,shruggedtheirshouldersandthenexchangedsandwiches

　　石油

　　Teacher:

Whatdowedowithcrudeoil?

　　Pupil:

Teachitsomemanners!

　　前史考试

　　Aunt:

HowdidJimdohishistoryexamination?

　　Mother:

Oh,notatallwell,butthere,itwasn'thisfault.Why,theyaskedhimthingsthathappenedbeforethepoorboywasborn.

　　复数方式

　　Teacher:

Whatisthepluralofmouse?

　　Pupil:

Mice.

　　Teacher:

Good,nowwhat'sthepluralofbaby?

　　Pupil:

Twins!

　　两块饼干

　　Mother:

Doyouwantacookie,Pierre?

Doyouwantacookie,Pierre?

　　Pierre:

Yes,Mum.

　　Mother:

WhymustIaskyoutwice?

　　Pierre:

Because,Mum,Iwanttwocookies.

　　教师和学生

　　Teacher:

Iwantyoutotellmethelongestsentenceyoucanthinkof.

　　Pupi:

Lifeimprisonment!

　　蝙蝠的故事

　　Twovampirebatswakeupinthemiddleofthenight,thirstyforblood.Onesays,"Let'sflyoutofthecaveandgetsomeblood."

　　"We'renewhere,"saysthesecondone."It'sdarkout,andwedon'tknowwheretolook.We'dbetterwaituntiltheotherbatsgowithus."

　　Thefirstbatreplies,"Whoneedsthem?

Icanfindsomebloodsomewhere."Hefliesoutofthecave.

　　Whenhereturns,heiscoveredwithblood.

　　Thesecondbatsaysexcitedly,"Wheredidyougettheblood?

"

　　Thefirstbattakeshisbuddytothemouthofthecave.Pointingintothenight,heasks,"Seethatblackbuildingoverthere?

"

　　"Yes,"theotherbatanswers.

　　"Well,"saysthefirstbat,"Ididn't."

　　传教士买鹦鹉

　　Apreacherisbuyingaparrot.

　　"Areyousureitdoesn'tscream,yell,orswear?

"askedthepreacher.

　　"Ohabsolutely.It'sareligiousparrot,"thestorekeeperassureshim.

　　"Doyouseethosestringsonhislegs?

Whenyoupulltherightone,herecitesthelord'sprayer,andwhenyoupullontheleftherecitesthe23rdPsalm."

　　"Wonderful!

"saysthepreacher,"butwhathappensifyoupullbothstrings?

"

　　"Ifalloffmyperch,youstupidfool!

"screechedtheparrot.

　　推销

　　“Now,Madam,”saidthesalesmanaftershowinghiscompany'sproducts,“Whatdoyouneedmostathomenow?

”

　　“Money,sir,”thewomansaidwithnohesitation.

　　婚礼

　　Mrs.JonesandherlittledaughterKarenwereoutsidethechurchwatchingallthecomingsandgoingsofawedding.Afterthephotographshadbeentaken,everyonehaddrivenofftothereceptionandalltheexcitementwasover.

　　Karensaidtohermother,"Whydidthebridechangehermind,Mummy?

"

　　"Whatdoyoumean,changehermind?

"askedMrs.Jones.

　　"Well,"saidthemoppet,"Shewentintothechurchwithonemanandcameoutwithanother!

"

　　父与子

　　[2007-08-2207:

56]

　　Father:

Youknow,Tom,whenLincolnwasyourage,hewasaverygoodpupil.Infact,hewasthebestpupilinhisclass.

　　Tom:

Yes,Father.Iknowthat.Butwhenhewasyourage,hewasPresidentoftheUnitedStates.

　　醉酒

　　[2007-08-2108:

01]

　　Oneday,afatherandhislittlesonweregoinghome.Atthisage,theboywasinterestinginallkindsofthingsandwasalwaysaskingquestions.Now,heasked,"What'sthemeaningoftheword'Drunk',dad?

"

　　"Well,myson,"hisfatherreplied,"look,therearestandingtwopolicemen.IfIregardthetwopolicemenasfourthenIamdrunk."

　　"But,dad,"theboysaid,"there'sonlyONEpoliceman!

"

　　许诺的成果

　　[2007-08-2008:

00]

　　Father:

Ipromisedtobuyyouacarifyoupassedyourexamination,andyouhavefailed.Whatwereyoudoinglastterm?

　　Son:

Iwaslearningtodriveacar.

　　学法语

　　[2007-08-1708:

34]

　　Son:

Dad,isFrenchdifficulttolearn?

　　Father:

Myboy,atthebeginningitis,butafterthatitbecomeseasy.

　　Son:

That'sgreat!

I'lllearnthelatterhalf.

　　两磅李子

　　[2007-08-1608:

25]

　　Mother:

Isentmylittleboyfortwopoundsofplumsandyougavehimapoundandahalf.

　　Shopkeeper:

Myscalesareallright,madam.Haveyouweighedyourlittleboy?

　　她是卖糖块的!

　　[2007-08-1416:

41]

　　LittleRobertaskedhismotherfortwocents.

　　"WhatdidyoudowiththemoneyIgaveyouyesterday?

"

　　"Igaveittoapooroldwoman,"heanswered.

　　"You'reagoodboy,"saidthemotherproudly.

　　"Herearetwocentsmore.Butwhyareyousointerestedintheoldwoman?

"

　　"Sheistheonewhosellsthecandy."

　　他的耳朵在我口袋里!

　　[2007-08-1408:

00]

　　Ivancamehomewithabloodynoseandhismotherasked,"Whathappened?

"

　　"Akidbitme,"repliedIvan.

　　"Wouldyourecognizehimifyousawhimagain?

"askedhismother.

　　"I'dknowhimanywhere,"saidIvan."Ihavehisearinmypocket."

　　拳击和赛跑

　　[2007-08-0917:

57]

　　Danisteachinghissonhowtobox.Ashedoesso,helefthisfriend,"Thisisatoughworld,soI'mteachingmyboytofight."

　　Friend:

"Butsupposehecomesupagainstsomeonemuchbiggerthanheis,who'salsobeentaughthowtobox."

　　Dan:

"I'mteachinghimhowtorun,too."

　　哪只鼠最牛?

　　[2007-07-3009:

10]

　　Threeratsaresittingatthebartalkingbraggingabouttheirbraveryandtoughness.

　　Thefirstsays,"I'msotough,onceIateawholebagfulofratpoison!

"

　　Thesecondsays,"WellI'msotough,onceIwascaughtinarattrapandIbititapart!

"

　　Thenthethirdratgetsupandsays,"Laterguys,I'moffhometoharassthecat."

　　碎杯子的隐秘

　　[2007-08-0811:

04]

　　Aservantbrokeacup.Hismasterwasveryangryandasked,"Howdidyoubreakit?

"

　　“Doyoureallywanttoknow?

”theservantpickedupanothercupandthrewitontotheground,“Ibrokeitlikethis.”

　　突发奇想——老公和老婆的由来

　　[2007-08-0510:

11]

　　WhydoesamanwanttohaveaWIFE?

　　Because…

　　W---Washing

　　I---Ironing

　　F---Food

　　E---Entertainment

　　WhydoesawomanwanttohaveaHUSBAND?

　　Because…

　　H---Housing

　　U---Understanding

　　S---Sharing

　　B---Buying

　　A---and

　　N---Never

　　D---Demanding

　　还我安定!

　　[2007-08-0208:

00]

　　"MayIborrowyourrecordplayertonight?

"amanaskedhisneighbor.

　　"Sure.Doyouwanttolistentosomemusic?

"

　　"No,”heanswered.“TonightIwanttohavesomepeaceandquiet."

　　没听懂的“睡眠药”

　　[2007-07-3009:

09]

　　Anexhaustedlookingblondedraggedherselfintothedoctor'soffice."Doctor,therearedogsallovermyneighborhood.Theybarkalldayandallnight,andIcan'tgetawinkofsleep."

　　"Ihavegoodnewsforyou,"thedoctoranswered,rummagingthroughadrawerfullofsamplemedications.

　　"Herearesomenewsleepingpillsthatworklikeadream.Afewoftheseandyourtroubleswillbeover."

　　"Great,"theblondeanswered,"I'lltryanything.Let'sgiveitashot."

　　Afewweekslatertheblondereturned,lookingworsethanever."Doc,yourplanisnogood.I'mmoretiredthanbefore!

"

　　"Idon'tunderstandhowthat