English Jokes英语笑话.docx
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EnglishJokes英语笑话
EnglishJokes（英语笑话）
Iforgottoshakethebottle
Mother:
Whyareyoujumpingupanddown?
Tom:
I'vejusttakensomemedicineandIforgottoshakethebottle.
妈妈：
你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？
汤姆：
我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了。
Getthekid.'
Abitofadviceforthoseabouttoretire.Ifyouareonly65,nevermovetoaretirementcommunity.Everybodyelseisintheir70s,80s,or90s.Sowhensomethinghastobemoved,liftedorloaded,theyyell,'Getthekid.'
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。
如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。
因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。
每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。
”
他到底想借什么？
Areyouusingyoumowerthisafternoon?
Mr.Johnson:
Areyouusingyoumowerthisafternoon?
Mr.Smith:
Yes.
Mr.Johnson:
Fine.ThencanIborrowyourtennisracket,sinceyouwon'tbeneedingit?
约翰逊先生：
今天下午你准备用割草机吗？
史密斯先生：
是的。
约翰逊先生：
太好了。
既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？
所有的烟卷都会点着的
Allthecigaretteswillbeonfiresoonerorlater.
Marywassodisgustedatherhusband'scigarettesmokingthatshecomplainedtohimoneday.
'Ihopethatallthecigarettefactorieswillcatchfiresomeday.'
'Don'tworry,dear.Allthecigaretteswillbeonfiresoonerorlater.'Hesaidwithasmile.
玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对他抱怨说：
“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。
”
“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。
”他笑着说。
Afineweapontokilltime
"Doyousingandplaymuch?
"ayoungmanaskedtheprettygirlwhowascarelesslythrummingthekeysofthepiano.
"Onlytokilltime."shereplied.
"You'vegotafineweapon,Imustadmit."venturedtheyoungman.
Afunnything
wheniwasafreshmaninouruniversity,oneday,ournewteacherwantustosaysthaboutyourselfthen,astudentstandedup,andsaid"icomefromshandong,andiwanttolearnmorewheniminuniversity,andhopegood,goodstudy,day,dayup.thenourteachersaiditischineseenglish,good,goodstudy,daydayupiswrongsentence,thenourteachersaidtherearesomanypeopleevensaid"iwillgiveyoucolorseesee",howfunnyitis!
!
TravelExpenses
AbusinessmanwalkedintoaNewYorkCitybankandaskedfortheloanofficer.HesaidhewasgoingtoEuropeonbusinessfortwoweeksandneededtoborrow$5,000.
Theloanofficersaidthebankwouldneedsomesecurityforsuchaloan.ThebusinessmanthenhandedoverthekeystoaRollsRoycethatwasparkedonthestreetinfrontofthebank.Everythingcheckedoutandtheloanofficeracceptedthecarascollateralfortheloan.AnemployeethendrovetheRollsintothebank'sundergroundgarageandparkeditthere.
Twoweekslaterthebusinessmanreturned,repaidthe$5,000andtheinterestwhichcameto$15.41.Theloanofficersaid,"Wedoappreciateyourbusinessandthistransactionhasworkedoutverynicely,butweareabitpuzzled.Whileyouwereawaywecheckedandfoundthatyouareamultimillionaire.Whatpuzzlesusiswhyyouwouldbothertoborrow$5,000?
"
Thebusinessmanreplied:
"WhereelseinNewYorkCitycanIparkmycarfor2weeksfor15bucks?
"
向主保密
Idon'twantHimtoknowI'mhere.'
Adistinguishedclergymanandtheeldersfromhiscongregationattendedanout-of-townmeetingthatdidnotfinishuntilratherlate.Theydecidedtohavesomethingtoeatbeforegointhome,butunfortunatelytheonlyspotopenwasaseedybar-and-grillwithaquestionablereputation.
Afterbeingserved,oneoftheeldersaskedtheclergymantosaygrace.'I'drathernot,',theclergymansaid,'Idon'twantHimtoknowI'mhere.'
一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，他们打算在回家前吃点东西。
但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。
饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。
“我想我是免了，”牧师说。
“我不想让主知道我在这里。
”
否则
Otherwisehewouldtrytoborrowitfromme.
Tom:
Williamhasaskedmeforaloanoffivepounds.ShouldIbedoingrightinlendingittohim?
Jack:
Certainly.
Tom:
Andwhy?
Jack:
Becauseotherwisehewouldtrytoborrowitfromme.
汤姆：
威廉向我借五英镑。
我该不该借给他？
杰克：
当然应该了。
汤姆：
为什么？
杰克：
否则他就该跟我借了。
心不在焉的丈夫
Iwasaccompanyingmyhusbandonabusinesstrip.Hecarriedhisportablecomputerwithhim,andtheguardattheairportgateaskedhimtoopenthecase.Itwaslocked,andthemanwaitedpatientlyasmyembarrassedspousestruggledtorememberthecombination.Atlasthesucceeded.
'Whyareyousonervous?
'Iaskedhim.
'Thenumbersarethedateofouranniversary.'myhusbandconfessed.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。
机场出口处检查员要他打开包。
他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。
最后他终于想起来了。
“你为什么那么紧张呢？
”我问他。
“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。
”他承认道。
还是太贵
Itisstilltoomuch
Anoldladywhowasverydeafandwhothoughteverythingtoodear,wentintoashopandaskedtheshipman:
'Howmuchthisstuff?
'
'Sevendollars,Madam,itisverycheap.'Theladysaid,'Itistoomuch,giveittomeforfourteen.''Ididnotsayseventeendollars,butseven.'
'Itisstilltoomuch,'repliedtheoldlady,'giveittomeforfive.'
一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。
她问店员：
“这东西要多少钱？
”“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。
”老太太说：
“太贵了，十四美元差不多。
”店员忙说：
“我没说十七美元，是七美元。
”“还是太贵，”老太太说：
“五美元，我就买啦。
”
Mom'shere?
OneeveningIdrovemyhusband'scartotheshoppingmall.
Onmyreturn,Inoticedthathowdustytheoutsideofhiscarwasandcleaneditupabit.WhenIfinallyenteredthehouse,Icalledout.'Thewomanwholovesyouthemostintheworldjustcleanedyourheadlightsandwindshield.'
Myhusbandlookedupandsaid,'Mom'shere?
'
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。
当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：
“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。
”
我丈夫抬头看了看，说：
“妈妈来了？
”
谁在打架
Whowasfighting?
Mother:
Freddie,whyisyourfacesored?
Freddie:
Iwasrunningupthestreettostopafight.
Mother:
That'saverynicethingtodo.Whowasfighting?
Freddie:
MeandJackieSmith.
妈妈：
弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？
弗雷迪：
我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？
妈妈：
你做的对，谁和谁在打架。
弗雷迪：
我和杰克·史密斯。
Itwasoverdue
Yourfunnystorywastoooverdue.iusedtohearaboutitwheniwasjustamiddleschoolstudent.haveyoueverheardaboutthissentence:
"webrotherwhoandwho"?
Onemore
P---patientD----doctor
P:
Doctor,themedicineugavemewasofgreathelp!
!
D:
Oh?
Howmuchdouhaveatatime?
P:
None,butmyunclehadthem,nowi'mhisonlyheir!
I'mthedoctor
OnemorninginLondon,itwasverycold,andmanypeoplecaughtacold.Theyhadtoseethedoctor,sothereweremanypeopleinthedoctor'swaitingroom.Attheheadofthelinewasanoldwoman.ThewomandidnotliveinLondon.ShelivedinScotland.Shecameheretovisitherdaughter.Shewantedtoseethedoctorbecauseshegotacoldandcougheddayandnight.
"IfIgetthereearly,Icanseethedoctorquickly,"shethought.Soshewasthefirstintheline.
Shesatnearestthedoctor'sdoor.AnAmericancameintothewaitingroom,andwalkedquicklytothedoctor'sdoor.Theoldwomanthoughthewasaqueuejumper.Shestoodupandtookhisarmslowly,shesaid,"Wewereallherebeforeyou;youmustwaitforyourturn.Doyouunderstand?
"TheAmericananswered,"No,madam.Youdon'tunderstand!
Youareallafterme!
?
I'mthedoctor!
"
BestRestaurant
Therewerethreerestaurantsonthesameblock.Onedayoneofthemputupasignwhichsaid"TheBestRestaurantintheCity.
Thenextday,thelargestrestaurantontheblockputupalargersignwhichsaid"TheBestRestaurantintheWorld."
Onthethirdday,thesmallestrestaurantputupasmallsignwhichsaid"TheBestRestaurantonthisBlock."
CollegiateCanine
Joke:
CollegiateCanine
Ayoungboygoesofftocollege,butabout1/3waythroughthesemester,hehasfoolishlysquanderedwhatmoneyhisparentsgavehim.
"Hmmmm,"hewonders,"HowamIgonnagetmoredough?
"
Thenhegetsanidea.Hecallshisfather.
"Dad,"hesays,"youwon'tbelievethewondersthatmoderneducationarecomingupwith!
Why,theyactuallyhaveaprogramherethatwillteachFidohowtotalk!
"
"That'sabsolutelyamazing!
"hisfathersays."HowdoIgethiminthatprogram?
"
"Justsendhimdownherewith$1000,"theboysays,"I'llgethimintothecourse."
So,hisfathersendsthedogandthe$1000.About2/3waythroughthesemester,themoneyrunsout.Theboycallshisfatheragain.
"Sohow'sFidodoing,son?
"hisfatherasks.
"Awesome,dad,he'stalkingupastorm,"hesays,"butyoujustwon'tbelievethis-they'vehadsuchgoodresultswiththisprogram,thatthey'veimplementedanewonetoteachtheanimalshowtoREAD!
"
"READ!
?
"sayshisfather,"Nokidding!
WhatdoIhavetodotogethiminthatprogram?
"
"Justsend$2,500,I'llgethimintheclass."
...Andhisfathersendsthemoney.
Attheendofthesemester,theboyhasaproblem.Whenhegetshome,hisfatherwillfindoutthatthedogcanneithertalknorread.Soheshootsthedog.Whenhegetshome,hisfatherisallexcited.
"Where'sFido?
Ijustcan'twaittohearhimtalkandlistentohimreadsomething!
"
"Dad,"theboysays,"Ihavesomegrimnews.Thismorning,whenIgotoutoftheshower,Fidowasinthelivingroomkickingbackintherecliner,readingthemorningpaper,likeheusuallydoes.Thenheturnedtomeandasked,'So,isyourdaddystillmessing'aroundwiththatlittleredheadwholivesonOakStreet?
'"
Thefathersays,"Oh,shit;IhopeyouSHOTthatlying'sonofabitch!
"
"Isuredid,Dad!
"
"That'smyboy!
"
AJapaneseStudentinAmerica
Joke:
AJapaneseStudentinAmerica
Itwasthefirst dayofschoolandanewstudent,thesonofaJapanesebusinessman,entered thefourthgrade.
Theteachergreeted theclassandsaid,"Let'sbeginbyreviewingsomeAmericanhistory.Who said,"GivemeLiberty,orgivemedeath?
" Shesawonlyasea ofblankfaces,exceptforthatofToshiba,whohadhishandup,"Patrick Henry,1775,"saidtheboy.
"Now,"saidtheteacher, "Whosaid'Governmentofthepeople,bythepeople,forthepeopleshall notperishfromtheearth?
"
Again,noresponse exceptfromToshiba,"AbrahamLincoln,1863."
Theteachersnapped attheclass,"Youshouldbeashamed.Toshiba,whoisnewtoourc
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