10waystohaveabetterconversationWord格式.docx

10waystohaveabetterconversationWord格式.docx

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renotlisteningtoeachother.Aconversationrequiresabalancebetweentalkingandlistening,andsomewherealongtheway,welostthatbalance.

Now,partofthatisduetotechnology.Thesmartphonesthatyoualleitherhaveinyourhandsorcloseenoughthatyoucouldgrabthemreallyquickly.AccordingtoPewResearch,aboutathirdofAmericanteenagerssendmorethanahundredtextsaday.Andmanyofthem,almostmostofthem,aremorelikelytotexttheirfriendsthantheyaretotalktothemfacetoface.There'

sthisgreatpieceinTheAtlantic.ItwaswrittenbyahighschoolteachernamedPaulBarnwell.Andhegavehiskidsacommunicationproject.Hewantedtoteachthemhowtospeakonaspecificsubjectwithoutusingnotes.Andhesaidthis:

"

Icametorealize..."

"

Icametorealizethatconversationalcompetencemightbethesinglemostoverlookedskillwefailtoteach.Kidsspendhourseachdayengagingwithideasandeachotherthroughscreens,butrarelydotheyhaveanopportunitytohonetheirinterpersonalcommunicationsskills.Itmightsoundlikeafunnyquestion,butwehavetoaskourselves:

Isthereany21st-centuryskillmoreimportantthanbeingabletosustaincoherent,confidentconversation?

Now,Imakemylivingtalkingtopeople:

NobelPrizewinners,truckdrivers,billionaires,kindergartenteachers,headsofstate,plumbers.ItalktopeoplethatIlike.ItalktopeoplethatIdon'

tlike.ItalktosomepeoplethatIdisagreewithdeeplyonapersonallevel.ButIstillhaveagreatconversationwiththem.SoI'

dliketospendthenext10minutesorsoteachingyouhowtotalkandhowtolisten.

Manyofyouhavealreadyheardalotofadviceonthis,thingslikelookthepersonintheeye,thinkofinterestingtopicstodiscussinadvance,look,nodandsmiletoshowthatyou'

repayingattention,repeatbackwhatyoujustheardorsummarizeit.SoIwantyoutoforgetallofthat.Itiscrap.

Thereisnoreasontolearnhowtoshowyou'

repayingattentionifyouareinfactpayingattention.

Now,IactuallyusetheexactsameskillsasaprofessionalinterviewerthatIdoinregularlife.So,I'

mgoingtoteachyouhowtointerviewpeople,andthat'

sactuallygoingtohelpyoulearnhowtobebetterconversationalists.Learntohaveaconversationwithoutwastingyourtime,withoutgettingbored,and,pleaseGod,withoutoffendinganybody.

We'

veallhadreallygreatconversations.We'

vehadthembefore.Weknowwhatit'

slike.Thekindofconversationwhereyouwalkawayfeelingengagedandinspired,orwhereyoufeellikeyou'

vemadearealconnectionoryou'

vebeenperfectlyunderstood.Thereisnoreasonwhymostofyourinteractionscan'

tbelikethat.

SoIhave10basicrules.I'

mgoingtowalkyouthroughallofthem,buthonestly,ifyoujustchooseoneofthemandmasterit,you'

llalreadyenjoybetterconversations.

Numberone:

Don'

tmultitask.AndIdon'

tmeanjustsetdownyourcellphoneoryourtabletoryourcarkeysorwhateverisinyourhand.Imean,bepresent.Beinthatmoment.Don'

tthinkaboutyourargumentyouhadwithyourboss.Don'

tthinkaboutwhatyou'

regoingtohavefordinner.Ifyouwanttogetoutoftheconversation,getoutoftheconversation,butdon'

tbehalfinitandhalfoutofit.

Numbertwo:

tpontificate.Ifyouwanttostateyouropinionwithoutanyopportunityforresponseorargumentorpushbackorgrowth,writeablog.

Now,there'

sareallygoodreasonwhyIdon'

tallowpunditsonmyshow:

Becausethey'

rereallyboring.Ifthey'

reconservative,they'

regoingtohateObamaandfoodstampsandabortion.Ifthey'

reliberal,they'

regoingtohatebigbanksandoilcorporationsandDickCheney.Totallypredictable.Andyoudon'

twanttobelikethat.Youneedtoentereveryconversationassumingthatyouhavesomethingtolearn.ThefamedtherapistM.ScottPecksaidthattruelisteningrequiresasettingasideofoneself.Andsometimesthatmeanssettingasideyourpersonalopinion.Hesaidthatsensingthisacceptance,thespeakerwillbecomelessandlessvulnerableandmoreandmorelikelytoopenuptheinnerrecessesofhisorhermindtothelistener.Again,assumethatyouhavesomethingtolearn.

BillNye:

Everyoneyouwillevermeetknowssomethingthatyoudon'

t."

Iputitthisway:

Everybodyisanexpertinsomething.

Numberthree:

Useopen-endedquestions.Inthiscase,takeacuefromjournalists.Startyourquestionswithwho,what,when,where,whyorhow.Ifyouputinacomplicatedquestion,you'

regoingtogetasimpleanswerout.IfIask

you,"

Wereyouterrified?

you'

regoingtorespondtothemostpowerfulwordinthatsentence,whichis"

terrified,"

andtheansweris"

Yes,Iwas"

or"

No,Iwasn'

Wereyouangry?

Yes,Iwasveryangry."

Letthemdescribeit.They'

retheonesthatknow.Tryaskingthemthingslike,"

Whatwasthatlike?

Howdidthatfeel?

Becausethentheymighthavetostopforamomentandthinkaboutit,andyou'

regoingtogetamuchmoreinterestingresponse.

Numberfour:

Gowiththeflow.Thatmeansthoughtswillcomeintoyourmindandyouneedtoletthemgooutofyourmind.We'

veheardinterviewsofteninwhichaguestistalkingforseveralminutesandthenthehostcomesbackinandasksaquestionwhichseemslikeitcomesoutofnowhere,orit'

salreadybeenanswered.Thatmeansthehostprobablystoppedlisteningtwominutesagobecausehethoughtofthisreallycleverquestion,andhewasjustboundanddeterminedtosaythat.Andwedotheexactsamething.We'

resittingtherehavingaconversationwithsomeone,andthenwerememberthattimethatwemetHughJackmaninacoffeeshop.

Andwestoplistening.Storiesandideasaregoingtocometoyou.Youneedtoletthemcomeandletthemgo.

Numberfive:

Ifyoudon'

tknow,saythatyoudon'

tknow.Now,peopleontheradio,especiallyonNPR,aremuchmoreawarethatthey'

regoingontherecord,andsothey'

remorecarefulaboutwhattheyclaimtobeanexpertinandwhattheyclaimtoknowforsure.Dothat.Erronthesideofcaution.Talkshouldnotbecheap.

Numbersix:

tequateyourexperiencewiththeirs.Ifthey'

retalkingabouthavinglostafamilymember,don'

tstarttalkingaboutthetimeyoulostafamilymember.Ifthey'

retalkingaboutthetroublethey'

rehavingatwork,don'

ttellthemabouthowmuchyouhateyourjob.It'

snotthesame.Itisneverthesame.Allexperiencesareindividual.And,moreimportantly,itisnotaboutyou.Youdon'

tneedtotakethatmomenttoprovehowamazingyouareorhowmuchyou'

vesuffered.SomebodyaskedStephenHawkingoncewhathisIQwas,andhesaid,"

Ihavenoidea.PeoplewhobragabouttheirIQsarelosers."

Conversationsarenotapromotionalopportunity.

Numberseven:

Trynottorepeatyourself.It'

scondescending,andit'

sreallyboring,andwetendtodoitalot.Especiallyinworkconversationsorinconversationswithourkids,wehaveapointtomake,sowejustkeeprephrasingitoverandover.Don'

tdothat.

Numbereight:

Stayoutoftheweeds.Frankly,peopledon'

tcareabouttheyears,thenames,thedates,allthosedetailsthatyou'

restrugglingtocomeupwithinyourmind.Theydon'

tcare.Whattheycareaboutisyou.Theycareaboutwhatyou'

relike,whatyouhaveincommon.Soforgetthedetails.Leavethemout.

Numbernine:

Thisisnotthelastone,butitisthemostimportantone.Listen.Icannottellyouhowmanyreallyimportantpeoplehavesaidthatlisteningisperhapsthemost,thenumberonemostimportantskillthatyoucoulddevelop.Buddhasaid,andI'

mparaphrasing,"

Ifyourmouthisopen,you'

renotlearning."

AndCalvinCoolidgesaid,"

Nomaneverlistenedhiswayoutofajob."

Whydowenotlistentoeachother?

Numberone,we'

drathertalk.WhenI'

mtalking,I'

mincontrol.Idon'

thavetohearanythingI'

mnotinterestedin.I'

mthecenterofattention.Icanbolstermyownidentity.Butthere'

sanotherreason:

Wegetdistracted.Theaveragepersontalksatabout225wordperminute,butwecanlistenatupto500wordsperminute.Soourmindsarefillinginthoseother275words.Andlook,Iknow,ittakeseffortandenergytoactuallypayattentiontosomeone,butifyoucan'

tdothat,you'

renotinaconversation.You'

rejusttwopeopleshoutingoutbarelyrelatedsentencesinthesameplace.

Youhavetolistentooneanother.StephenCoveysaiditverybeautifully.Hesaid,"

Mostofusdon'

tlistenwiththeintenttounderstand.Welistenwiththeintenttoreply."

Onemorerule,number10,and