How to Say Nothing in 500 Words.docx

How to Say Nothing in 500 Words.docx

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HowtoSayNothingin500Words

HowtoSayNothingin500Words

ByPaulMcHenryRoberts

**Note:

Thisessaywaswritteninthe1950s.Thebasicsofgoodwriting,however,haven’tchanged.

a-s.clayton.edu/.../How%20to%20Say%20Nothing%20in%20500%20Words.doc

It'sFridayafternoon,andyouhavealmostsurvivedanotherweekofclasses.YouarejustlookingforwarddreamilytotheweekendwhentheEnglishinstructorsays:

“ForMondayyouwillturninafivehundred-wordcompositiononcollege football.”

Well,thatputsagoodholeintheweekend.Youdon'thaveanystrongviewsoncollegefootballonewayortheother.Yougetratherexcitedduringtheseasonandgotoallthehomegamesandfinditrathermorefunthannot.Ontheotherhand,theclasshasbeenreadingRobertHutchinsintheanthologyandperhapsShaw's“Eighty-YardRun,”andfromtheclassdiscussionyouhavegottheideathattheinstructorthinkscollegefootballisforthebirds.Youarenofool.Youcanfigureoutwhatsideto take.

Afterdinneryougetouttheportabletypewriterthatyougotforhighschoolgraduation.YoumightaswellgetitoverwithandenjoySaturdayandSunday.Fivehundredwordsisabouttwodouble-spacedpageswithnormalmargins.Youputinasheetofpaper,thinkupatitle,andyou're off:

WHYCOLLEGEFOOTBALLSHOULDBEABOLISHED

Collegefootballshouldbeabolishedbecauseit'sbadfortheschoolandalsofortheplayers.Theplayersaresobusypracticingthattheydon'thaveanytimefortheirstudies.

This,youfeel,isamightygoodstart.Theonlytroubleisthatit'sonlythirty-twowords.Youstillhavefourhundredandsixty-eighttogo,andyou'veprettywellexhaustedthesubject.Itcomestoyouthatyoudoyourbestthinkinginthemorning,soyouputawaythetypewriterandgotothemovies.Butthenextmorningyouhavetodoyourwashingandsomemathproblems,andintheafternoonyougotothegame.TheEnglishinstructorturnsuptoo,andyouwonderifyou'vetakentherightsideafterall.Saturdaynightyouhaveadate,andSundaymorningyouhavetogotochurch.（Youcan'tletEnglishassignmentsinterferewithyourreligion.）Whatwithonethingandanother,it'steno'clockSundaynightbeforeyougetoutthetypewriteragain.Youmakeapotofcoffeeandstarttofilloutyourviewsoncollegefootball.Putalittlemeatonthe bones.

WHYCOLLEGEFOOTBALLSHOULDBEABOLISHED

Inmyopinion,itseemstomethatcollegefootballshouldbeabolished.ThereasonwhyIthinkthistobetrueisbecauseIfeelthatfootballisbadforthecollegesinnearlyeveryrespect.AsRobertHutchinssaysinhisarticleinouranthologyinwhichhediscussescollegefootball,itwouldbebetterifthecollegeshadracehorsesandhadraceswithoneanother,becausethenthehorseswouldnothavetoattendclasses.IfirmlyagreewithMr.Hutchinsonthispoint,andIamsurethatmanyotherstudentswouldagreetoo.

Onereasonwhyitseemstomethatcollegefootballisbadisthatithasbecometoocommercial.Intheoldentimeswhenpeopleplayedfootballjustforthefunofit,maybecollegefootballwasallright,buttheydonotplaycollegefootballjustforthefunofitnowastheyusedtointheolddays.Nowadayscollegefootballiswhatyoumightcallabigbusiness.Maybethisisnottrueatallschools,andIdon'tthinkitisespeciallytruehereatState,butcertainlythisisthecaseatmostcollegesanduniversitiesinAmericanowadays,asMr.Hutchinspointsoutinhisveryinterestingarticle.Actuallythecoachesandalumnigoaroundtothehighschoolsandofferthehighschoolstarslargesalariestocometotheircollegesandplayfootballforthem.Therewasonecasewhereahighschoolstarwasofferedaconvertibleifhewouldplayfootballforacertain college.

Anotherreasonforabolishingcollegefootballisthatitisbadfortheplayers.Theydonothavetimetogetacollegeeducation,becausetheyaresobusyplayingfootball.Afootballplayerhastopracticeeveryafternoonfromthreetosixandthenheissotiredthathecan'tconcentrateonhisstudies.Hejustfeelslikedroppingofftosleepafterdinner,andthenthenextdayhegoestohisclasseswithouthavingstudiedandmaybehefailsthe test.

（Goodripestuffsofar,butyou'restillahundredandfifty-onewordsfromhome.Onemore push.）

AlsoIthinkcollegefootballisbadforthecollegesandtheuniversitiesbecausenotverymanystudentsgettoparticipateinit.Outofacollegeoftenthousandstudentsonlyseventy-fiveorahundredplayfootball,ifthatmany.Footballiswhatyoumightcallaspectatorsport.Thatmeansthatmostpeoplegotowatchitbutdonotplayitthemselves.

（Fourhundredandfifteen.Well,youstillhavetheconclusion,andwhenyouretypeit,youcanmakethemarginsalittle wider.）

ThesearethereasonswhyIagreewithMr.HutchinsthatcollegefootballshouldbeabolishedinAmericancollegesanduniversities.

OnMondayyouturnitin,moderatelyhopeful,andonFridayitcomesbackmarked“weakincontent”andsportingabig“D.”Thisessayisexaggeratedalittle,notmuch.TheEnglishinstructorwillrecognizeitasreasonablytypicalofwhatanassignmentoncollegefootballwillbringin.Heknowsthatnearlyhalfoftheclasswillcontriveinfivehundredwordstosaythatcollegefootballistoocommercialandbadfortheplayers.Mostoftheotherhalfwillinformhimthatcollegefootballbuildscharacterandpreparesoneforlifeandbringsprestigetotheschool.Ashereadspaperafterpaperallsayingthesamethinginalmostthesamewords,allbloodless,fivehundredwordsdrippingoutofnothing,hewondershowheallowedhimselftogettrappedintoteachingEnglishwhenhemighthavehadahappyandinterestinglifeasanelectricianoraconfidence man.

Well,youmayask,whatcanyoudoaboutit?

Thesubjectisoneonwhichyouhavefewconvictionsandlittleinformation.Canyoubeexpectedtomakeadullsubjectinteresting?

Asamatteroffact,thisispreciselywhatyouareexpectedtodo.Thisisthewriter'sessentialtask.Allsubjects,exceptsex,aredulluntilsomebodymakestheminteresting.Thewriter'sjobistofindtheargument,theapproach,theangle,thewordingthatwilltakethereaderwithhim.Thisisseldomeasy,anditisparticularlyhardinsubjectsthathavebeenmuchdiscussed:

CollegeFootball,Fraternities,PopularMusic,IsChivalryDead?

andthelike.Youwillfeelthatthereisnothingyoucandowithsuchsubjectsexceptrepeattheoldbromides.Buttherearesomethingsyoucandowhichwillmakeyourpapers,ifnotthrobbinglyalive,atleastlessinsufferablytediousthantheymightotherwise be.

AVOIDTHEOBVIOUS CONTENT

Saytheassignmentiscollegefootball.Saythatyou'vedecidedtobeagainstit.Beginbyputtingdowntheargumentsthatcometoyourmind:

itistoocommercial,ittakesthestudents'mindsofftheirstudies,itishardontheplayers,itmakestheuniversityakindofcircusinsteadofanintellectualcenter,formostschoolsitisfinanciallyruinous.Canyouthinkofanymorearguments,justoffhand?

Allright.Nowwhenyouwriteyourpaper,makesurethatyoudon'tuseanyofthematerialonthislist.Ifthesearethepointsthatleaptoyourmind,theywillleaptoeveryoneelse'stoo,andwhetheryougeta“C”ora“D”maydependonwhethertheinstructorreadsyourpaperearlywhenheisfreshandtolerantorlate,whenthesentence“Inmyopinion,collegefootballhasbecometoocommercial,”inexorablyrepeated,hasboughthimtothebrinkof lunacy.

Beagainstcollegefootballforsomereasonorreasonsofyourown.Iftheyarekeenandperceptiveones,that'ssplendid.Buteveniftheyaretrivialorfoolishorindefensible,youarestillaheadsolongastheyarenoteverybodyelse'sreasonstoo.Beagainstitbecausethecollegesdon'tspendenoughmoneyonittomakeitworthwhile,becauseitisbadforthecharactersofthespectators,becausetheplayersareforcedtoattendclasses,becausethefootballstarshogallthebeautifulwomen,becauseitcompeteswithbaseballandisthereforeun-AmericanandpossiblyCommunist-inspired.Therearelotsofmoreorlessunusedreasonsforbeingagainstcollege football.

Sometimesitisagoodideatosumupanddisposeofthetriteandconventionalpointsbeforegoingontoyourown.Thishastheadvantageofindicatingtothereaderthatyouaregoingtobeneithertritenorconventional.Somethinglike this:

Weareoftentoldthatcollegefootballshouldbeabolishedbecauseithasbecometoocommercialorbecauseitisbadfortheplayers.Theseargumentsarenodoubtverycogent,buttheydon'treallygototheheartofthe matter.

Thenyougototheheartofthe matter.

TAKETHELESSUSUAL SIDE

Onerathersimplewayofgettingintoyourpaperistotakethesideoftheargumentthatmostofthecitizenswillwanttoavoid.Iftheassignmentisanessayondogs,youcan,ifyouchoose,explainthatdogsarefaithfulandlovablecompanions,intelligent,usefulasguardiansofthehouseandprotectorsofchildren,indispensableinpolicework—inshort,whenallissaidanddone,man'sbestfriends.Oryoucansuggestthatthosebigbrowneyesconceal,moreoftenthannot,avacuityofmindandaninconstancyofpurpose;thatthedogsyouhaveknownmostintimatelyhavebeenmangy,ill-temperedbrutes,incapableofinstruction;andthatonlyyournobilityofmindandfearofarrestpreventyoufromkickingtheflea-riddenanimalswhenyoupassthemonthe street.

Naturallypersonalconvictionswillsometimesdictateyourapproach.Iftheassignedsubjectis“IsMethodismRewardingtotheIndividual?

”andyouareapiousMethodist,youhavereallynochoice.Butfewassignedsu