101The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate.docx

101The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate.docx

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101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate

Season1

101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate（ThePilot）

SCENE1:

CENTRALPERK.（ALLPRESENTEXCEPTRACHELANDROSS）

MONICA:

There'snothingtotell!

He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!

JOEY:

C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!

There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!

CHANDLER:

Sodoeshehaveahump?

Ahumpandahairpiece?

PHOEBE:

Wait,doesheeatchalk?

（THEOTHERSSTARE,BEMUSED）

PHOEBE:

Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!

MONICA:

Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.

CHANDLER:

Soundslikeadatetome.

（CUTTOSAMESET）

CHANDLER:

Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealiseIamtotallynaked.

ALL:

Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.

CHANDLER:

ThenIlookdown,andIrealisethere'saphone...there.

JOEY:

Insteadof...?

CHANDLER:

That'sright.

JOEY:

Neverhadthatdream.

PHOEBE:

No.

CHANDLER:

Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.Anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisveryweird,because-shenevercallsme!

（CUTTOSAMESET.ROSSHASNOWENTERED）

ROSS:

（MORTIFIED）Hi.

JOEY:

Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.

MONICA:

Areyouokay,sweetie?

ROSS:

Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...

CHANDLER:

Cookie?

MONICA:

（EXPLAININGTOTHEOTHERS）Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.（TOROSS）Letmegetyousomecoffee.

PHOEBE:

Ooh!

Oh!

（STARTSTOPLUCKATTHEAIRJUSTINFRONTOFROSS）

ROSS:

No,nodon't!

Stopcleansingmyaura!

No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?

I'llbefine,alright?

Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.

MONICA:

Noyoudon't.

ROSS:

NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!

JOEY:

Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...

ROSS:

No!

!

Okay?

!

Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?

Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?

CHANDLER:

SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...（THEOTHERSSTAREATHIM）DidIsaythatoutloud?

JOEY:

AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?

（ROSSGESTURESHISCONSENT）

JOEY:

Stripjoint!

C'mon,you'resingle!

Havesomehormones!

ROSS:

Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?

Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!

（ENTERRACHELINAWETWEDDINGDRESS.SHESTARTSTOSEARCHAROUNDTHEROOM）

CHANDLER:

AndIjustwantamilliondollars!

（EXTENDSHISHANDHOPEFULLY）

MONICA:

Rachel?

!

RACHEL:

OhGodMonicahi!

Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!

WAITRESS:

CanIgetyousomecoffee?

MONICA:

（POINTINGATRACHEL）De-caff.（TOTHEGANG）Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.（TORACHEL）Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?

RACHEL:

Hi,sure!

ROSS:

Hi.

（THEYGOTOHUGBUTROSS'UMBRELLAOPENS.HESITS,DEFEATEDAGAIN）

（AMOMENTOFSILENCEASRACHELSITS;THEOTHERSEXPECTHERTOEXPLAIN）

MONICA:

Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?

RACHEL:

OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-（TOWAITRESS,WHOHASBROUGHTHERCOFFEE）Sweet'n'Lo?

-IrealisedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!

AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:

howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,healwayslookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?

'.（TOMONICA）SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.

MONICA:

Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.

RACHEL:

Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...

SCENE2:

MONICA'SAPARTMENT（ALLPRESENTANDWATCHINGASPANISHSOAPONTV）

MONICA:

NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyaboutit.

RACHEL:

（ONPHONE）Daddy,Ijust...Ican'tmarryhim!

I'msorry.Ijustdon'tlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!

CHANDLER:

（RETV）Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.

JOEY:

Isaypushherdownthestairs.

PHOEBE+ROSS+CHANDLER+JOEY:

Pushherdownthestairs!

Pushherdownthestairs!

Pushherdownthestairs!

（SHEISPUSHEDDOWNTHESTAIRS.THEYCHEER）

RACHEL:

C'monDaddy,listentome!

Allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,'You'reashoe!

You'reashoe,you'reashoe,you'reashoe!

'.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,'WhatifIdon'twannabeashoe?

WhatifIwannabea-apurse,y'know?

Ora-orahat!

No,I'mnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,I'msayingIamaha-It'sametaphor,Daddy!

ROSS:

Youcanseewherehe'dhavetrouble.

RACHEL:

LookDaddy,it'smylife.WellmaybeI'lljuststayherewithMonica.

MONICA:

Well,Iguesswe'veestablishedwho'sstayingherewithMonica...

RACHEL:

Well,maybethat'smydecision.Well,maybeIdon'tneedyourmoney.Wait!

!

Wait,Isaidmaybe!

!

（CUTTOSAMESET.RACHELISBREATHINGINTOAPAPERBAG）

MONICA:

Justbreathe,breathe..that'sit.Justtrytothinkofnicecalmthings...

PHOEBE:

（SINGS）Raindropsonrosesandrabbitsandkittens,（RACHELANDMONICATURNTOLOOKATHER）..bluebellsandsleighbellsand-somethingwithmittens...Lalalala...

RACHEL:

I'mallbetternow.

PHOEBE:

（GRINSANDWALKSTOKITCHEN.TOCHANDLERANDJOEY）Ihelped!

MONICA:

Okay,look,thisisprobablyforthebest,y'know?

Independence.Takingcontrolofyourlife.

JOEY:

（SITTINGBESIDEHER）Andhey,youneedanything,youcanalwayscometoJoey.MeandChandlerliveacrossthehall.Andhe'sawayalot.

MONICA:

Joey,stophittingonher!

It'sherweddingday!

JOEY:

What,likethere'saruleorsomething?

（THEDOORBUZZERSOUNDS.CHANDLERGETSIT）

CHANDLER:

Pleasedon'tdothatagain,it'sahorriblesound.

PAUL:

（OVERINTERCOM）It's,uh,it'sPaul.

MONICA:

Buzzhimin!

JOEY:

Who'sPaul?

ROSS:

PaultheWineGuy,Paul?

MONICA:

Maybe.

JOEY:

Wait.Your'notarealdate'tonightiswithPaultheWineGuy?

ROSS:

Hefinallyaskedyouout?

MONICA:

Yes!

CHANDLER:

Ooh,thisisaDearDiarymoment.

MONICA:

Rach,wait,Icancancel...

RACHEL:

Please,no,go,that'dbefine!

MONICA:

（TOROSS）Are,areyouokay?

Imean,doyouwantmetostay?

ROSS:

（CHOKEDVOICE）That'dbegood...

MONICA:

（HORRIFIED）Really?

ROSS:

（NORMALVOICE）No,goon!

It'sPaultheWineGuy!

（AKNOCKATTHEDOOR.MONICAGETSIT;IT'SPAUL）

MONICA:

Hi,comein!

Paul,thisis..（THEYAREALLLINEDUPNEXTTOTHEDOOR）...everybody,everybody,thisisPaul.

ALL:

Hey!

Paul!

Hi!

TheWineGuy!

Hey!

CHANDLER:

I'msorry,Ididn'tcatchyourname.Paul,wasit?

MONICA:

（SHOWSPAULIN）Twoseconds.

PHOEBE:

Ooh,Ijustpulledoutfoureyelashes.Thatcan'tbegood.

ROSS:

SoRachel,what'reyou,uh...what'reyouuptotonight?

RACHEL:

Well,IwaskindasupposedtobeheadedforArubaonmyhoneymoon,sonothing!

ROSS:

Right,you'renotevengettingyourhoneymoon,God..No,no,although,Aruba,thistimeofyear...talkaboutyour-（THINKS）-biglizards...Anyway,ifyoudon'tfeellikebeingalonetonight,JoeyandChandlerarecomingovertohelpmeputtogethermynewfurniture.

CHANDLER:

（DEADPAN）Yes,andwe'reveryexcitedaboutit.

RACHEL:

Wellactuallythanks,butIthinkI'mjustgonnahangoutheretonight..

ROSS:

Okay,sure.

JOEY:

HeyPheebs,youwannahelp?

PHOEBE:

Oh,IwishIcould,butIdon'twantto.

（ADBREAK）

SCENE3:

ROSS'APARTMENT（THEGUYSAREASSEMBLINGFURNITURE）

ROSS:

（SQUATTINGANDREADINGINSTRUCTIONS）I'msupposedtoattachabracketythingtothesidethings,usingabunchoftheselittlewhimguys.Ihavenobracketything,Iseenowhimguyswhatsoeverand-Icannotfeelmylegs.

（CHANDLERANDJOEYHAVEAPPARENTLYFINISHEDABOOKCASE,BUTTHEREISABITLEFTOVER）

JOEY:

What'sthis?

CHANDLER:

Ihavenoidea.

（JOEYCHECKSROSSISNOTLOOKINGANDDUMPSININAPLANTPOT）

JOEY:

Donewiththebookcase!

CHANDLER:

Allfinished!

ROSS:

（CLUTCHINGABEERCANANDSNIFFING）ThiswasCarol'sfavouritebeer.Shealwaysdrankitoutofthecan,Ishouldhaveknown.

JOEY:

Ross,letmeaskyouaquestion.Shegotthefurniture,thestereo,thegoodTV-whatdidyouget?

ROSS:

Youguys.

CHANDLER:

Oh,man.

JOEY:

Yougotscrewed.

（CUTTOMONICAANDPAULEATINGINARESTAURANT）

MONICA:

OhmyGod!

PAUL:

Iknow,Iknow,I'msuchanidiot.IguessIshouldhavecaughtonwhenshestartedgoingtothedentistfourandfivetimesaweek.Imean,howcleancanteethget?

MONICA:

Mybrother'sgoingthroughthatrightnow,he'ssuchamess.Howdidyougetthroughit?

PAUL:

Well,youmighttryaccidentallybreakingsomethingvaluableofhers,sayher-

MONICA:

-leg?

PAUL:

（LAUGHING）That'soneway!

Me,I-Iwentforthewatch.

MONICA:

Youactuallybrokeherwatch?

（CUTTORACHELINMONICA'SAPARTMENT,TALKINGONTHEPHONEANDPACING）

RACHEL:

Barry,I'msorry...Iamsosorry...IknowyouprobablythinkthatthisisallaboutwhatIsaidtheotherdayaboutyoumakinglovewithyoursockson,butitisn't...itisn't,it'saboutme,andIju-（STOPSTALKING;DIALSANUMBERONTHEPHONE）Hi,machinecutmeoffagain...anyway...

（CUTTOROSS'APARTMENT）

ROSS:

Youknowwhatthescariestpartis?

Whatifthere'sonlyonew