The Bro Code.docx
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TheBroCode
1）Brosbeforehoes.Thebondbetweentwomenisstrongerthanthatbetweenamanandawomanbecauseonanaverage,menarestrongerthanwomen.That’sjustscience.
2）Abroisalwaysentitledtodosomethingstupidaslongastherestofhisbrosarealldoingit.Forexample…IfonlyoneSpanishdudeweretorundownthestreetinfrontofabunchofangrybulls,peoplewouldhavebeenlike“Dude,comeon!
!
”.Thelicensetobestupidiswhywehavebrosinthefirstplace.
3）Ifabrogetsadog,itmustbeatleastastallashiskneewhenfullgrown.Corollarytothisstates,namingalap-dogafterapro-wrestleroracharacterfromaSteveMcLainmoviedoesnotabsolveabrofromthisarticle.
4）Abroneverdivulgestheexistenceofthebrocodetoawoman.Itisasacreddocumentnottobesharedwithchicksforanyreason.
NOTE:
Ifyouareawomanreadingthis,firstletmeapologize:
itwasnevermyintentionforthisbooktocontainsomuchmath.Second,Iurgeyoutolookatthisdocumentforwhatitisapieceoffictionmeanttoentertainabroadaudiencethroughtheprismofstereotypicalgenderdifferences.Imean,sometimesitreallyislikewe’refromdifferentplanets!
Clearly,norealpersonwouldactuallybelieveoradheretothevulgarrulescontainedwithin.*Thosebootsareadorable,b-t-dub.
5）Whetherhecaresaboutsportsornot,abrocaresaboutsports.
6）Abroshallnotlollygagifhemustgetnakedinfrontofotherbrosinagymlockerroom.Corollarytothisstates,ifabrogetsnakedinthelockerroom,allotherbrosshallpretendthatnothingoutoftheordinaryishappeningwhileatthesametimeimmediatelyavertingtheireyes.Whenindoubt,remembertheoldadage.Ifyourtoweldropstotheground,soshouldyoureyes.
7）Abroneversendsagreetingcardtoanotherbro.Therearenosentimentsbetweentwobrosthatcannotbearticulatedthroughtheconvenienceandemotionaldistanceofelectronicmail.
8）Abroneveradmitshecan’tdrivestickevenafteranaccident.
9）Shouldabroloseabodypartduetoanaccidentorillness,hisfellowbroswillnotmakelamejokessuchas“Gimmethree”or“Wow!
!
Quittingyourjoblikethatreallytookalotofball!
!
”It’sstillahi-fiveandthatbrostillhasalotofballs,metaphoricallyspeakingofcourse.
10）Abrowilldropwhateverheisdoingandrushtohelphisbrodumpachick.It’snormalforabrotogetconfusedanddisorientedwhendumpingachick.Forsomereasonheisworriedshewillbecomeagitatedorevenviolentafterhecalmlyexplainshisdesiretohookupwithherfriends.Thisiswhenabromostneedshisbrotoremindhimthatthereareplentyofchickintheoceanandthatabreakupneednotbehazardous,stressfuloreventime-consuming.Howtodumpanchickin6wordsorless…
“Maybetryasidesaladinstead.”
“Cute!
!
You‘regrowingamoustachetoo!
!
”
“Shelookslikeayoungeryou!
!
”
“Iwillfinanceaboobjob.”
“SorryIthrewyourshoesout.”
“Yoursisterletmedothat!
!
”
11）Abromayaskanotherbrotohelphimmove.Butonlyafterfirstdisclosinganhonestestimateonbothtimecommitmentandnumberoflargefurniturepieces.Ifthebrohasvastlyunderestimated,eitherhisbrosretaintherighttoleavehispossessionswheretheyare,inmostcasesstuckinadoor-way.
12）Brosdonotsharedessert.
13）Allbrosshallduboneoftheirbroshiswingman.
14）Ifachickenquiresaboutanotherbros’sexualhistory,abroshallhonortheBr-odeofsilenceandplaydumb.Bettertohavewomenthinkthatallmenarestupidthantotellthetruth.
15）Abroneverdanceswithhishandsabovehishead.
16）Abroshouldbeabletoreciteanytimethefollowingreigningchampions:
Superbowl,WorldseriesandPlayMateoftheyear.
17）Abroshallbekindandcourteoustohisco-workersunlesstheyarebeneathhimonthepyramidofscreaming.Americawasbuiltonthebacksofmenandwomenwhowereyelledattoworkharderandthetraditionhasbeenscreamedtogenerationfromgeneration.Butyoujustcan’tscreamatanybody.Youcanonlyscreambeneathyou.
18）Ifabrospearheadsabeerrunataparty,heisentitledtoanyexcessmoniesaccruedaftercanvassingthegroup.
Note:
Toavoidconfrontationit’sagoodideatojettisonthereceiptbeforereturningtotheparty.
19）Abroshallnotsleepwithanotherbro’ssister.However,abroshallnotgetangryifanotherbrosays“Dude,yoursister’shot!
!
”.Corollary,itisprobablybetterforeveryoneifbrosjusthidepicturesoftheirsisterswhenotherbrosarecomingover.Whenindoubtrefertothechecklistforbro-proofingyourhome.
20）ABrorespectshisBrosinthemilitarybecausethey’veselflesslychosentodefendthenation,butmoretothepoint,becausetheycankickhisasssixwaystoSunday.
21）ABroneversharesobservationsaboutanotherBro’ssmoking-hotgirlfriend.EveniftheBrowiththehotgirlfriendattemptstobaittheBrobysaying“she’ssmoking-hot,huh?
”aBroshallremainsilent,becauseinthissituation,he’stheonlyonewhoshouldbebaiting.
22）ThereisnolawthatprohibitsawomanfrombeingaBro.Womenmakeexcellentbrosbecausetheycantranslateandnavigatetheconfusingandcontradictorywhimsthatcomprisethechickcode（Chickdohavethechickcode!
!
）.
23）WhenflippingthroughTVchannelswithhisBros,aBroisnotallowedtoskippastaprogramfeaturingboobs.Thisincludesbutisnotlimitedto,exerciseshows,women’sathletics,andonsomeoccasionssurgeryprograms.
24）Whenwearingabaseballcap,aBromaypositionthebrimateither12or6o’clock.Allotheranglesarereservedforrappersandthehandicapped.
25）ABrodoesn’tletanotherBrogetatattoo,particularlyatattooofagirlsname.Theaveragerelationshipbetweenamanandawomanlasts83days.Therelationshipbetweenmanandhisskinlastsalifetimeandmustbenurturedbecausetheskinisthelargestandsecondmostimportantorganamanhas.
26）Unlesshehaschildren,aBroshallnotwearhiscellphoneonabeltclip.
27）ABroneverremoveshisshirtinfrontofotherBros,unlessataresortpoolorthebeach.Corollary,abrowithacoatoffuronhisback,keepsthatthingcoveredatalltimesevenatresort,poolorbeach.
28）ABrowill,inatimelymanner,alerthisBrototheexistenceofafightbetweentwofellowhumanbeingsofthefemalevariety.Ifaninformedbroisunabletowitnessthefightfirsthand,aspotterbroisresponsiblefordocumentingandrelatingdetailsofgirlfightviapictures,videoor,barringanyotherreasonablemethod,interpretivedanceand/orpantomime.
29）IftwoBrosdecidetocatchamovietogether,theymaynotattendascreeningthatbeginsafter4:
40pm.Alsodespitethecostsavings,theyshallnotsplitatubofpopcorn,choosinginsteadtoprocureindividualbags.
30）ABrodoesn’tcomparisonshop.
31）Whenontheprowl,aBrohitsonthehottestchickfirstbecauseyoujustneverknow.
32）ABrodoesn’tallowanotherBrotogetmarrieduntilhe’satleastthirty.
33）Wheninapublicrestroom,aBro
（1）staresstraightaheadwhenusingtheurinal;
（2）makestheobligatorycomment,“Whatisthis,achicks’restroom?
”iftherearemorethantwodudeswaitingtopee;and（3）attemptstobasketballtosshisusedpapertowelintothetrashcanlikeabasketball…reboundingisoptional.
34）Broscannotmakeeye-contactduringaDevil’sThree-way.
35）ABroneverrentsachickflick.
36）DD:
Whenquestionedinthecompanyofwomen,aBroalwaysdecriesfakebreasts.
37）ABroisundernoobligationtoopenadoorforanyone.Ifwomeninsistonhavingtheirownprofessionalbasketballleague,thentheycanopentheirowndoors.Honestlythey’renotthatheavy.
38）EveninafighttothedeathaBroneverpunchesanotherBrointhegroin.
39）WhenaBrogetsachicksnumber,hewaitsatleastninety-sixhoursbeforecallingher.ThereasonisBro-flation.Anunreasonableincreaseinfemaleexpectationsabouthowbrosshouldact.Youcallawomanthenextday,shetellsherfriendsthatyoucalledthenextday,andsoonenough,womeneverywherewillexpectguystocallthemthenextday.Beforeyouknowit,brostheworldoverwillfindthemselvestrappedinrelationshipsandallbecauseyoucouldn’twait96littlehours.
40）ShouldaBrobecomestrickenwithengagement,hisBrosshallstageaninterventionandattempttohealhim.Thisismorecommonlyknownas“abachelorparty.”
41）ABronevercries.Exceptions-WatchingFieldofDreams,ETorasportslegendretire（onlyfirsttimeheretires）.
42）UpongreetinganotherBro,aBromayengageinahighfive,fistbump,oraBrohug,butneverafullembrace.
43）ABroloveshiscountry,unlessthatcountryisn’tAmerica.
44）ABroneverappliessunscreentoanotherBro.Exceptions–IftheBrosarewithin7degreeslatitudeoftheequator.
45）ABroneverwearsjeanstoastripclub.Reasons–a）Clothpocketsareroomierandelasticallowingforathickerwadofcash.b）Denimclasheswiththeclub’sleopard,zebraorothersafarianimalmotif.c）Oneword,twosyllables,threehoursintheER–Zipper.d）It’saperformanceanddeservesrespect.e）Youdon’tfeelitasmuchonyour…youknowwhat..
46）IfaBroisseatednexttosomedudewho’sstuckinthemiddleseatonanairplane,heshallyieldhimalloftheirsharedarmrest,unlessthedudehas（a）takenhisshoesoff,（b）issnoring,（c）makestheBrogetupmorethanoncetousethelavatory,or（d）purchasedheadphonesaftertheyannouncedthein-flightmovieis27Dresses.SeeArticle35.
47）ABroneverwearspink.NoteveninEurope.
48）ABroneverpubliclyrevealshowmanychickshe’sbang
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