英语笑话六十则.docx

英语笑话六十则.docx

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英语笑话六十则

60Jokes

1

A:

Ihavetheperfectson.

B:

Doeshesmoke?

A:

No,hedoesn’t.

B:

Doeshedrinkwhiskey?

A:

No,hedoesn’t.

B:

Doesheevercomehomelate?

A:

No,hedoesn’t.

B:

Iguessyoureallydohavetheperfectson.Howoldishe?

A:

HewillbesixmonthsoldnextWednesday.

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2

Girl:

Youwouldbeagooddancerexceptfortwothings.

Boy:

Whatarethetwothings?

Girl:

Yourfeet.

SubmittedbyBobWaldman

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3

Afamilyofmiceweresurprisedbyabigcat.FatherMousejumpedandsaid,"Bow-wow!

"Thecatranaway."Whatwasthat,Father?

"askedBabyMouse."Well,son,that’swhyit’simportanttolearnasecondlanguage."

SubmittedbyBHLEE

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Threemicearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthemiceturnedaroundandbarked,"Ruff!

Ruff!

Ruff!

"Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Laterwhenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"Yousee,itpaystobebilingual!

"

SubmittedbyJeanneRamirez

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4

MyfriendsaidheknewamanwithawoodenlegnamedSmith.

SoIaskedhim,"Whatwasthenameofhisotherleg?

"

（Trythisonewithyourstudentsthenexttimeyouareteachingalessonthatincludesthistypeofgrammar.）

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5

Thedoctortothepatient:

‘Youareverysick.’

Thepatienttothedoctor:

‘CanIgetasecondopinion?

’

Thedoctoragain:

‘Yes,youareveryuglytoo...’

Iusethisjokeforretellinginreportedspeech.

Submittedby:

AdrianaLuchetti

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6

Amangoestothedoctorandsays,"Doctor,whereverItouch,ithurts."

Thedoctorasks,"Whatdoyoumean?

"

Themansays,"WhenItouchmyshoulder,itreallyhurts.IfItouchmyknee-OUCH!

WhenItouchmyforehead,itreally,reallyhurts."

Thedoctorsays,"Iknowwhat’swrongwithyou-you’vebrokenyourfinger!

"

SubmittedbySeanMcLoughlin

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7

Patient:

Doctor,IhaveapaininmyeyewheneverIdrinktea.

Doctor:

Takethespoonoutofthemugbeforeyoudrink.

Submittedby:

IrenePellegrini

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8

Patient:

Doctor!

You’vegottohelpme!

Nobodyeverlistenstome.NooneeverpaysanyattentiontowhatIhavetosay.

Doctor:

Nextplease!

SubmittedbyMarcoMorales,Mexico

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9

Twoboyswerearguingwhentheteacherenteredtheroom.

Theteachersays,"Whyareyouarguing?

"

Oneboyanswers,"Wefoundatendollarbillanddecidedtogiveittowhoevertellsthebiggestlie."

"Youshouldbeashamedofyourselves,"saidtheteacher,"WhenIwasyourageIdidn’tevenknowwhataliewas."

Theboysgavethetendollarstotheteacher.

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10

Asnailwalksintoabarandthebarmantellshimthere’sastrictpolicyabouthavingsnailsinthebarandsokickshimout.Ayearlaterthesamesnailre-entersthebarandasksthebarman"Whatdidyoudothatfor?

"

SubmittedbySteve

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11

A:

Justlookatthatyoungpersonwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?

B:

It’sagirl.She’smydaughter.

A:

Oh,I’msorry,sir.Ididn’tknowthatyouwereherfather.

B:

I’mnot.I’mhermother.

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12

Mother:

"Didyouenjoyyourfirstdayatschool?

"

Girl:

"Firstday?

DoyoumeanIhavetogobacktomorrow?

SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltó

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13

Headmaster:

I’vehadcomplaintsaboutyou,Johnny,fromallyourteachers.Whathaveyoubeendoing?

Johnny:

Nothing,sir.

Headmaster:

Exactly.

SubmittedbyMariadelPilarVilllegasMartinez

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14

Teacher:

"Nick,whatisthepastparticipleoftheverbtoring?

"

Nick:

"Whatdoyouthinkitis,Sir?

"

Teacher:

"Idon’tthink,IKNOW!

"

Nick:

"Idon’tthinkIknoweither,Sir!

"

SubmittedbyBernadetteKelly

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15

A:

Hey,man!

Pleasecallmeataxi.

B:

Yes,sir.Youareataxi.

SubmittedbyCláudiaAlmeida

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16

A:

Whyareyoucrying?

B:

Theelephantisdead.

A:

Washeyourpet?

B:

No,butI’mtheonewhomustdighisgrave.

SubmittedbyJoe,fromIndiana

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17

Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.

"Wow!

"saidherfather,"Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?

"

"Wrongnumber,"repliedthegirl.

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18

PUPIL:

"WouldyoupunishmeforsomethingIdidn`tdo?

"

TEACHER:

"Ofcoursenot."

PUPIL:

"Good,becauseIhaven`tdonemyhomework."

SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltó

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19

Ateacheraskedastudenttowrite55.

Studentasked:

How?

Teacher:

Write5andbesideitanother5!

Thestudentwrote5andstopped.

teacher:

Whatareyouwaitingfor?

student:

Idon’tknowwhichsidetowritetheother5!

SubmittedbyMahmoudZeidan

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20

Mybossissounpopularevenhisownshadowrefusestofollowhim.

SubmittedbyJozefKarpat

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21

LittleJohnny:

Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?

Teacher:

LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?

LittleJohnny:

ButIaskedfirst!

Submittedby:

EliseOwen,DalianChina

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22

Twogoldfishinabowltalking:

Goldfish1:

DoyoubelieveinGod?

Goldfish2:

Ofcourse,Ido!

Whodoyouthinkchangesthewater?

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23

Son:

Dad,whatisanidiot?

Dad:

Anidiotisapersonwhotriestoexplainhisideasinsuchastrangeandlongwaythatanotherpersonwhoislisteningtohimcan’tunderstandhim.Doyouunderstandme?

Son:

No.

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24

Man:

Icouldgototheendoftheworldforyou.

Woman:

Yes,butwouldyoustaythere?

Man:

Iofferyoumyself.

Woman:

IamsorryIneveracceptcheapgifts.

Man:

Iwanttoshareeverythingwithyou.

Woman:

Let’sstartfromyourbankaccount.

Submittedbykaradolson

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25

Teacher:

Whyareyoulate?

Student:

Therewasamanwholostahundreddollarbill.

Teacher:

That’snice.Wereyouhelpinghimlookforit?

Student:

No.Iwasstandingonit.

SubmittedbyFredG.Stone

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26

Customer:

Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarryingit.

Waitress:

Oh,that’sokay.Thesoupisn’thot.

SubmittedbyJimSperling

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27

Therealestateagentsays,"Ihaveagood,cheapapartmentforyou."

Themanreplies,"Bytheweekorbythemonth?

"

Theagentanswers,"Bythegarbagedump."

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28

BankTeller:

Howdoyoulikethemoney?

EnglishStudent:

Ilikeitverymuch.

SubmittedbySafnil（BengkuluUniversityIndonesia）

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29

"Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?

"

"Ican’tfindacowtallenoughforashower."

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30

Customerinarestaurant:

Iwouldliketohaveaplateofriceandapieceoffriedchickenandacupofcoffee.

Waitress:

IsitenoughSir?

Customer:

What?

DoyouthinkIcan’tbuymore?

SubmittedbySafnil（BengkuluUniversityIndonesia）

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31

"Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt."

"IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn’twearit."

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32

"IwasborninCalifornia."

"Whichpart?

"

"Allofme."

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33

"Excuseme.Doyouknowthewaytothezoo?

"

"No,I’msorryIdon’t."

"Well,it’stwoblocksthisway,thenoneblocktotheleft."

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34

Teacher:

Doyouhavetroublemakingdecisions?

Student:

Well...yesandno.

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35

Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whentheygotthere,theyrealizedtheyhadf