Friends剧本16.docx

Friends剧本16.docx

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Friends剧本16

TheOneWiththeButt

Writtenby:

AdamChase&IraUngerleider

Transcribedby:

guineapig

[Scene:

ATheater,thegangisintheaudiencewatingforaplayofJoey'stostart.]

Rachel:

（readingtheprogram）Ooh!

Look!

Look!

Look!

Look,there'sJoey'spicture!

Thisissoexciting!

Chandler:

Youcanalwaysspotsomeonewho'sneverseenoneofhisplaysbefore.Notice,nofear,nosenseofimpendingdoom...

Phoebe:

Theexclamationpointinthetitlescaresme.（Gesturing）Y'know,it'snotjustFreud,it'sFreud!

（Thelightsdim.）

Ross:

Oh,shhh,shh.Magicisabouttohappen.

（Thelightsgouponthestage,Joey,asFreud,istalkingtoafemalepatient.）

Joey:

Vell,Eva,ve'vedonesomeexcellentvorkhere,andIvouldhavetosay,yourpwoblemisqviiiteclear.（Hegoesintoasonganddancenumber.）

Allyouwantisadingle,

Whatyouenvy'saschwang,

Athingthroughwhichyoucantinkle,

Orplaywith,orsimplylethang...

OpeningCredits

[Scene:

TheTheater,theplayhasendedandeveryoneisapplauding. Assoonasthecastleaves,thegangallgroanandsitdownheavily.]

Rachel:

God.Ifeelviolated.

Monica:

Didanybodyelsefeeltheyjustwantedtopeeltheskinofftheirbody,tohavesomethingelsetodo?

Chandler:

（staringatawomanacrosstheroom）Ross,teno'clock.

Ross:

Isit?

Feelsliketwo.

Chandler:

No,teno'clock.

Ross:

What?

Chandler:

（sighsandgesturestoexplain）There'sabeautifulwomanateight,nine,teno'clock!

Ross:

Oh.Hel-lo!

Chandler:

She'samazing!

ShemakesthewomenthatIdreamaboutlooklikeshort,fat,baldmen!

Monica:

Well,goovertoher!

She'snotwithanyone.

Chandler:

Ohyeah,andwhatwouldmyopeninglinebe?

'Excuseme.Blarrglarrghh.'

Rachel:

Oh,c'mon.She'saperson,youcandoit!

Chandler:

Ohplease,couldshebemoreoutofmyleague?

Ross,backmeuphere.

Ross:

Hecouldnevergetawomanlikethatinamillionyears.

Chandler:

Thankyou,buddy.

Phoebe:

Oh,oh,buty'know,youalwaysseethesereallybeautifulwomenwiththesereallynothingguys,youcouldbeoneofthoseguys.

Monica:

Youcoulddothat!

Chandler:

Y'think?

All:

Yeah!

Chandler:

OhGod,Ican'tbelieveI'mevenconsideringthis...I'mveryveryawareofmytongue...

Ross:

C'mon!

C'mon!

Chandler:

Heregoes.（Hewalksovertoherbutjuststandsthere.）

Aurora:

...Yes?

Chandler:

Hi....um...okay,nextword...wouldbe...Chandler!

Chandlerismyname,and,uh...（Heclearshisthroatnoisily）...hi.

Aurora:

Yes,yousaidthat.

Chandler:

Yes,yesIdid,butwhatIdidn'tsaywaswhatIwasabouttosay,whatIwantedtosaywas,uh...wouldyouliketogooutwithmesometime,thankyou,goodnight.（Hewalksbacktotheothersbutshecallshimback.）

Aurora:

Chandler?

（Joeyentersfrombehindacurtain. Theothersalltalkatonce.）

All:

Hey!

You'reinaplay!

Ididn'tknowyoucoulddance!

Youhadabeard!

Joey:

Whadjathink?

（Pause）

All:

...Hey!

You'reinaplay!

Ididn'tknowyoucoulddance!

Youhadabeard!

Joey:

C'mon,youguys,itwasn'tthatbad.ItwasbetterthanthatthingIdidwiththetrolls,atleastyougottoseemyhead.

All:

（admitting）Sawyourhead.Sawyourhead.

Chandler:

（runningback）Shesaidyes!

!

Shesaidyes!

!

（ToJoey）Awfulplay,man.Whoah.（ToAll）Hername'sAurora,andshe'sItalian,andshepronouncesmyname'Chand-lrr'.'Chand-lrr'.IthinkIlikeitbetterthatway.（ToJoey）Oh,listen,theushergavemethistogivetoyou.（Hefishesacardoutofhispocket.）

Rachel:

Whatisit?

Joey:

TheEstelleLeonardTalentAgency.Wow,anagencyleftmeitscard!

Maybetheywannasignme!

Phoebe:

Basedonthisplay?

...Basedonthisplay!

[Scene:

CentralPerk,everyoneelseisthereasChandlerenters.]

Chandler:

Hey,kids.

All:

Hey.

Phoebe:

（readingMonica'spalm）No,'causethislineispassion,andthisis...justaline.

Chandler:

Well,Ican'tbelieveI'vebeenherealmostsevensecondsandyouhaven'taskedmehowmydatewent.

Monica:

Oh,right,right.Howwasyourdate,'Chand-lrr'?

Chandler:

Itwasunbelievable.I-I'venevermetanyonelikeher.She'shadthemostamazinglife!

ShewasintheIsraeliarmy...

（AflashbackofAuroraandChandlerontheirdateinCentralPerkisdenotedbyitalics.）

Aurora:

...Luckilynoneofthebulletshittheengineblock.So,wemadeittotheborder,butjustbarely,andI-...I'vebeentalkingaboutmyselfallnightlong,I'msorry.Whataboutyou?

Tellmeoneofyourstories.

Chandler:

Alright.OnceIgotonthesubway,right,anditwasatnight,andIrodeitallthewaytoBrooklyn...justforthehellofit.

Chandler:

Wetalked'tilliketwo.Itwasthisperfectevening...moreorless.

Aurora:

...AllofasuddenwerealisedwewereinYammon.

Chandler:

Oh,I'msorry,so'we'is?

Aurora:

'We'wouldbemeandRick.

Joey:

Who'sRick?

Chandler:

Who'sRick?

Aurora:

Myhusband.

All:

Ooooohhh.

Chandler:

Oh,soyou'redivorced?

Aurora:

No.

Chandler:

Oh,I'msorry,thenyou'rewidowed?

...Hopefully?

Aurora:

No,I'mstillmarried.

Chandler:

Sotellme,howdo-howdoyouthinkyourhusbandwouldfeelaboutyousittingherewithme?

...Slidingyourfootsofarupmypantlegyoucancountthechangeinmypocket?

Aurora:

Don'tworry.Iimaginehe'dbeokaywithyoubecausereally,he'sokaywithEthan.

Chandler:

Ethan?

There's,there'sanEthan?

Aurora:

Mmmm...Ethanismy...boyfriend.

All:

What?

!

Chandler:

Soexplainsomethingtomehere,uh,whatkindofarelationshipdoyouimagineushavingifyoualreadyhaveahusbandandaboyfriend?

Aurora:

Isupposemainlysexual.

Chandler:

...Hm.

Monica:

Oh.I'msorryitdidn'tworkout.

Chandler:

What'notworkout'?

I'mseeingheragainonThursday.Didn'tyoulistentothestory?

Monica:

Didn'tyoulistentothestory?

Imean,thisistwisted!

Howcouldyougetinvolvedwithawomanlikethis?

Chandler:

Well,y'know,Ihadsometroublewithitatfirsttoo,butthewayIlookatitis,Igetallthegoodstuff:

allthefun,allthetalking,allthesex;andnoneoftheresponsibility.Imean,thisiseveryguy'sfantasy!

Phoebe:

Oh,yeah.Thatisnottrue.Ross,isthisyourfantasy?

Ross:

No,ofcoursenot!

（Thinks）...Yeah,yeah,itis.

Monica:

What?

Soyouguysdon'tmindgoingoutwithsomeoneelsewho'sgoingoutwithsomeoneelse?

Joey:

Icouldn'tdoit.

Monica:

Goodforyou,Joey.

Joey:

WhenI'mwithawoman,IneedtoknowthatI'mgoingoutwithmorepeoplethansheis.

Ross:

Well,y'know,monogamycanbea,uh,trickyconcept.Imean,anthropologicallyspeaking-

（Theyallpretendtofallasleep.）

Ross:

Fine.Fine,alright,nowyou'llneverknow.

Monica:

We'rekidding.C'mon,tellus!

All:

Yeah!

C'mon!

Ross:

Alright.There'satheory,putforthbyRichardLeakey-

（Theyallfallasleepagain.）

[Scene:

MonicaandRachel's,RachelisthereasenterexceptJoeyenter.]

Rachel:

Tah-daaah!

Chandler:

Arewegreetingeachotherthiswaynow?

'CauseIlikethat.

Rachel:

Look!

Icleaned!

Ididthewindows,Ididthefloors...Ievenusedalltheattachmentsonthevacuum,exceptthatlittleroundonewiththebristles,Idon'tknowwhatthat'sfor.

Ross:

Ohyeah,nobodyknows.Andwe'renotsupposedtoask.

Rachel:

Well,whaddyathink?

All:

Veryclean!

Itlooksgreat!

Terrific!

Monica:

...Oh!

I-Iseeyoumovedthegreenottoman.

All:

Uh-oh...

Monica:

How-howdidthathappen?

Rachel:

Idunno..I-Ithoughtitlookedbetterthere.AndI-andalso,it'sanextraseataroundthecoffeetable.

Monica:

Yeah,yeah,it'sinteresting..buty'knowwhat?

Justforfun,let'sseewhatitlookedlikeintheoldspot.（Shemovesit.）Alright,justtocompare.Let'ssee.Well,itlooksgoodtheretoo.Let'sjustleaveitthereforawhile.

Phoebe:

（toRachel）Ican'tbelieveyoutriedtomovethegreenottoman.

Chandler:

ThankGodyoudidn'ttrytofanoutthemagazines.Imean,she'llscratchyoureyesrightout.

Monica:

Youguys,Iamnotthatbad!

Phoebe:

Yeah,youare,Monica.RememberwhenIlivedwithyou?

Youwerelike,alittle,y'know,（psycho）Ree!

Ree!

Ree!

Ree!

Monica:

Thatissounfair!

Ross:

Ohc'mon!

Whenwewerekids,yourswastheonlyRaggedyAnndollthatwasn'traggedy!

Monica:

Okay,soI'mresponsible,I'morganised.Buthey,Icanbeakook.

Ross:

Alright,youmadcapgal.Trytoimaginethis.Thephonebillarrives,butyoudon'tpayitrightaway.

Monica:

Whynot?

Ross:

Becauseyou'reakook!

Insteadyouwaituntiltheysendyouanotice.

Monica:

Icoulddothat.

Rachel:

Okay,uh,youletmegogroceryshopping,andIbuylaundrydetergent,butit'snottheonewiththeeasy-pourspout.

Monica:

Whywouldsomeonedothat?

!

...Onemightwonder.

Chandler:

Someone'sleftaglassonthecoffeetable.There'snocoaster.It'sacolddrink,it'sahotday.Littlebeadsofcondensationareinchingtheirwaycloserandclosertothesurfaceofthewood...

Monica:

STOPIT!

!

...OhmyGod.It'strue!

WhoamI?

Ross:

Monica?

You'reMom.

（Monicagasps.）

Phoebe:

Ree!

Ree!

Ree!

Ree!

Ree!

（Joeyentersandhe'sonthephone.）

Joey:

（onphone）Uhhuh..uhhuh...ohmyGod!

Okay!

Okay,I'llbethere!

（Hehangsupandtoall.）Thatwasmyagent.（Hetossesandcatchesthephone.）Myagenthasjustgottenmeajob...inthenewAlPacinomovie!

All:

OhmyGod!

Whoah!

Monica:

Well,what'sthepart?

Joey:

Canyoubelievethis?

AlPacino!

Thisguy'sthereasonIbecameanactor!

"I'moutoforder?

Pfeeeh.You'reoutoforder!

Thiswholecourtroom'soutoforder!

"

Phoebe:

Seriously,what-what'sthepart?

Joey:

"JustwhenIthoughtIwasout,theypullmebackin!

"

Ross:

C'mon,seriously,Joey,what'sthepart?

Joey:

...I'mhis（mumbles）

Rachel:

..You're,you're'mahmahmah'what?

Joey:

...I'mhisbuttdouble.'Kay?

IplayAlPacino'sbutt.Alright?

Hegoesintotheshower,andthen-I'mhisbutt.

Monica:

（tryingnottolaugh）OhmyGod.

Jo