ENGLISH JOKES.docx

ENGLISH JOKES.docx

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ENGLISHJOKES

ThePerfectSon.

A:

Ihavetheperfectson.

B:

Doeshesmoke?

A:

No,hedoesn't.

B:

Doeshedrinkwhiskey?

A:

No,hedoesn't.

B:

Doesheevercomehomelate?

A:

No,hedoesn't.

B:

Iguessyoureallydohavetheperfectson.Howoldishe?

A:

HewillbesixmonthsoldnextWednesday.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Girl:

Youwouldbeagooddancerexceptfortwothings.

Boy:

Whatarethetwothings?

Girl:

Yourfeet.

SubmittedbyBobWaldman

---------------------------------------------------------------

Afamilyofmiceweresurprisedbyabigcat.FatherMousejumpedandandsaid,"Bow-wow!

"Thecatranaway."Whatwasthat,Father?

"askedBabyMouse."Well,son,that'swhyit'simportanttolearnasecondlanguage."

SubmittedbyBHLEE

---------------------------------------------------------------

MyfriendsaidheknewamanwithawoodenlegnamedSmith.

SoIaskedhim"Whatwasthenameofhisotherleg?

"

（Trythisonewithyourstudentsthenexttimeyouareteachingalessonthatincludesthistypeofgrammer.）

---------------------------------------------------------------

Thedoctortothepatient:

'Youareverysick'

Thepatienttothedoctor:

'CanIgetasecondopinion?

'

Thedoctoragain:

'Yes,youareveryuglytoo...'

Iusethisjokeforretellinginreportedspeech.

Submittedby:

AdrianaLuchetti

---------------------------------------------------------------

Amangoestothedoctorandsays,"Doctor,whereverItouch,ithurts."

Thedoctorasks,"Whatdoyoumean?

"

Themansays,"WhenItouchmyshoulder,itreallyhurts.IfItouchmyknee-OUCH!

WhenItouchmyforehead,itreally,reallyhurts."

Thedoctorsays,"Iknowwhat'swrongwithyou-you'vebrokenyourfinger!

"

SubmittedbySeanMcLoughlin

---------------------------------------------------------------

Patient:

Doctor,IhaveapaininmyeyewheneverIdrinktea.

Doctor:

Takethespoonoutofthemugbeforeyoudrink.

Submittedby:

IrenePellegrini

---------------------------------------------------------------

Patient:

Doctor!

You'vegottohelpme!

Nobodyeverlistenstome.NooneeverpaysanyattentiontowhatIhavetosay.

Doctor:

Nextplease!

SubmittedbyMarcoMorales,Mexico

---------------------------------------------------------------

Twoboyswerearguingwhentheteacherenteredtheroom.

Theteachersays,"Whyareyouarguing?

"

Oneboyanswers,"Wefoundatendollorbillanddecidedtogiveittowhoevertellsthebiggestlie."

"Youshouldbeashamedofyourselves,"saidtheteacher,"WhenIwasyourageIdidn'tevenknowwhataliewas."

Theboysgavethetendollarstotheteacher.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Asnailwalksintoabarandthebarmantellshimthere'sastrictpolicyabouthavingsnailsinthebarandsokickshimout.Ayearlaterthesamesnailre-entersthebarandasksthebarman"Whatdidyoudothatfor?

"

SubmittedbySteve

---------------------------------------------------------------

A:

Justlookatthatyoungpersonwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?

B:

It'sagirl.She'smydaughter.

A:

Oh,I'msorry,sir.Ididn'tknowthatyouwereherfather.

B:

I'mnot.I'mhermother.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Mother:

"Didyouenjoyyourfirstdayatschool?

"

Girl:

"Firstday?

DoyoumeanIhavetogobacktomorrow?

SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltｏ

---------------------------------------------------------------

Headmaster:

I'vehadcomplaintsaboutyou,Johnny,fromallyourteachers.Whathaveyoubeendoing?

Johnny:

Nothing,sir.

Headmaster:

Exactly.

SubmittedbyMariadelPilarVilllegasMartinez

---------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher:

"Nick,whatisthepastparticipleoftheverbtoring?

"

Nick:

"Whatdoyouthinkitis,Sir?

"

Teacher:

"Idon'tthink,IKNOW!

"

Nick:

"Idon'tthinkIknoweither,Sir!

"

SubmittedbyBernadetteKelly

---------------------------------------------------------------

A:

Hey,man!

Pleasecallmeataxi.

B:

Yes,sir.Youareataxi.

SubmittedbyClａudiaAlmeida

---------------------------------------------------------------

A:

Whyareyoucrying?

B:

Theelephantisdead.

A:

Washeyourpet?

B:

No,butI'mtheonewhomustdighisgrave.

SubmittedbyJoe,fromIndiana

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.

"Wow!

"saidherfather,"Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?

"

"Wrongnumber,"repliedthegirl.

---------------------------------------------------------------

PUPIL:

"WouldyoupunishmeforsomethingIdidn`tdo?

"

TEACHER:

"Ofcoursenot."

PUPIL:

"Good,becauseIhaven`tdonemyhomework."

SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltｏ

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ateacheraskedastudenttowrite55.

Studentasked:

How?

Teacher:

Write5andbesideitanother5!

Thestudentwrote5andstopped.

teacher:

Whatareyouwaitingfor?

student:

Idon'tknowwhichsidetowritetheother5!

SubmittedbyMahmoudZeidan

---------------------------------------------------------------

WhenIwanttoteachthecoulors,Ijustaskmystudentstopretendthephoneisringingandtheywillanswer:

Phonerings:

"Green,green!

"

Theyanswer:

"Yellow?

"

Theyask:

"White?

"

Theyhangup:

"Pink!

"

Whileteachingthisuseyourhandspretendingyouareholdingthephone.

SubmittedbyMariaCrisitnaCodorniz

---------------------------------------------------------------

LittleJohnny:

Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?

Teacher:

LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?

LittleJohnny:

ButIaskedfirst!

Submittedby:

EliseOwen,DalianChina

---------------------------------------------------------------

Twogoldfishinabowltalking:

Goldfish1:

DoyoubelieveinGod?

Goldfish2:

Ofcourse,Ido!

Whodoyouthinkchangesthewater?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Son:

Dad,whatisanidiot?

Dad:

Anidiotisapersonwhotriestoexplainhisideasinsuchastrangeandlongwaythatanotherpersonwhoislisteningtohimcan'tunderstandhim.Doyouunderstandme?

Son:

No.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Man:

Icouldgototheendoftheworldforyou.

Woman:

Yes,butwouldyoustaythere?

Man:

Iofferyoumyself.

Woman:

IamsorryIneveracceptcheapgifts.

Man:

Iwanttoshareeverythingwithyou.

Woman:

Let'sstartfromyourbankaccount.

Submittedbykaradolson

---------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher:

Whyareyoulate?

Student:

Therewasamanwholostahundreddollarbill.

Teacher:

That'snice.Wereyouhelpinghimlookforit?

Student:

No.Iwasstandingonit.

SubmittedbyFredG.Stone

---------------------------------------------------------------

Customer:

Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarryingit.

Waitress:

Oh,that'sokay.Thesoupisn'thot.

SubmittedbyJimSperling

---------------------------------------------------------------

Therealestateagentsays,"Ihaveagood,cheapapartmentforyou."

Themanreplys,"Bytheweekorbythemonth?

"

Theagentanswers,"Bythegarbagedump.."

---------------------------------------------------------------

BankTeller:

Howdoyoulikethemoney?

EnglishStudent:

Ilikeitverymuch.

SubmittedbySafnil（BengkuluUniversityIndonesia）

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?

"

"Ican'tfindacowtallenoughforashower."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Customerinarestaurant:

Iwouldliketohaveaplateofriceandapieceoffriedchickenandacupofcoffee

Waitress:

IsitenoughSir?

Customer:

What?

DoyouthinkIcan'tbuymore?

SubmittedbySafnil（BengkuluUniversityIndonesia）

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt."

"IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn'twearit."

---------------------------------------------------------------"IwasborninCalifornia."

"Whichpart?

"

"Allofme."

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Excuseme.Doyouknowthewaytothezoo?

"

"No,I'msorryIdon't."

"Well,it'stwoblocksthisway,thenoneblocktotheleft."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher:

Doyouhavetroublemakingdecisions?

Student:

Well...yesandno.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Threemicearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthemiceturnedaroundandbarked,"Ruff!

Ruff!

Ruff!

"Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Laterwhenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"Yousee,itpaystobebilingual!

"

SubmittedbyJeanneRamirez

---------------------------------------------------------------

Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whentheygotthere,theyrealizedtheyhadforgottenthesoda.Theyoungestturtlesaidhewouldgohomeandgetitiftheywouldn'teatthesandwichesuntilhegotback.Aweekwentby,thenamonth,finallyayear,whenthetwoturtlessaid,"oh,comeon,let'seatthesandwiches."Suddenlythelittleturtlepoppedupfrombehindarockandsaid,"Ifyoudo,Iwon'tgo!

"

SubmittedbyAbuAbdulaziz（Kuwait）

---------------------------------------------------------------

Theteachertoastudent:

Conjugatetheverb"towalk"insimplepresent.

Thestudent:

Iwalk.Youwalk....

Theteacherintrupteshim:

Qu