生活大爆炸剧本401.docx

生活大爆炸剧本401.docx

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生活大爆炸剧本401

Series4Episode01–TheRobotic Manipulation

Scene:

Theapartment.AroboticarmisextractingsomeChinesetakeawayfromabagcontrolledbyHoward.

Howard:

Andnowthekungpaochicken.

Leonard:

Alright.

Raj:

Smooth.

Howard:

Andfinally,mymooshupork.

Raj:

Whoo-hoo!

Howard:

Ah,thereyouhaveit,gentlemen.Ourentiredinnerunpackedbyrobot.

Raj:

Anditonlytook28minutes.

Sheldon:

Impressive,butwemustbecautious.

Howard:

Why?

Sheldon:

Today,it’saChinesefoodretrievalrobot.Tomorrow,ittravelsbackintimeandtriestokillSarahConnor.

Leonard:

Idon’tthinkthat’sgoingtohappen,Sheldon.

Sheldon:

Nooneeverdoes.That’swhyithappens.

Penny（arriving）:

Hey.Isthefoodhere?

Ooh.What’sthat?

Howard:

That,dearlady,istheWolowitzProgrammableHand,designedforextravehicularrepairsontheInternationalSpaceStation.

Penny:

Ah,cool.

Howard:

Askmetopassthesoysauce.

Penny:

Oh,doesthatcomeupmuchonthespacestation?

Howard:

MostlywithAsianandJewishastronauts.

Penny:

Allright.Passthesoysauce.

Howard:

Comingup.（Startstypingrapidly）

Leonard:

Sohow’swork?

Penny:

Oh,it’snotbad.Kindofhungry.

Leonard:

Yeah,weallare.

Howard:

Justwait.

Sheldon:

Yourealize,Penny,thatthetechnologythatwentintothisarmwillonedaymakeunskilledfoodserverssuchasyourselfobsolete.

Penny:

Really?

They’regoingtomakearobotthatspitsonyourhamburger?

Sheldon:

Ithoughtyoubrokeupwithher.Whyisshehere?

Howard:

Okay,herewego.Passingthesoysauce.Putoutyourhand.

Penny:

Ohha-ha,oh.That’samazing.

Sheldon:

Iwouldn’tsayamazing.Atbest,it’samodestleapforwardfromthebasictechnologythatgaveusCountryBearJamboree.

Howard:

Hey,Sheldon?

Sheldon:

Yes?

（Howardtypes.ThehandputsuptwofingerstoSheldon.）Peace?

Howard:

No,notpeace.Hangon.

Creditssequence.

Scene:

Afewmomentslater.

Penny:

DoesNASAknowyou’reusingthatthingasanapkinholder?

Howard:

Youkidding?

Theystillthinkit’sinasecurelockeratJPL.

Penny:

Youstoleit?

Howard:

Borrowed.Thetrickistocarryitouttoyourcarlikeyouownit.

Sheldon（phonegivestextalert）:

Excuseme.Oh.Amy’satthedrycleaners,andshe’smadeaveryamusingpun.“Idon’tcareforperchloroethylene,andIdon’tlikeglycolether.”Getit?

Shedoesn’tlikeglycolether.Soundslikeeither.（Tapsinreply）L-O-L.

Penny:

Who’sAmy?

Leonard:

Hisgirlfriend.

Penny:

Sheldonhasagirlfriend?

Sheldon:

She’snotmygirlfriend.

Penny:

Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?

Leonard:

Fourmonths.

Sheldon:

She’snotmygirlfriend.

Penny:

Areyoutellingme,forthepastfourmonthsIhavebeenaskingyouwhat’snewandyouneverthoughttogowithSheldonhasagirlfriend?

Sheldon:

She’snotmygirlfriend.

Penny:

Ah,du-du-du-du-du.Howdidtheymeet?

Howard:

RajandIenteredSheldon’sinformationonadatingsite,anditspitoutAmyFarrahFowler.

Penny:

Oh,myGod!

SheldonandAmy.

Howard:

Or,aswecallthem,Shamy.

Penny（squeals）:

Shamy.IamsodiggingtheShamy.

Sheldon:

Allright,everyonepayattention.Yes,IhaveafriendnamedAmyFarrahFowler.Yes,sheisfemale.Yes,wecommunicateonadailybasis,butno,sheisnotmygirlfriend.

Penny:

Okay,well,whatdoyoucommunicateabout?

Sheldon:

Well,myworkinphysics,herworkinneurobiology,andmostrecently,thepossibilityofourhavingachildtogether.

Penny（spitsoutdrinkexplosively.Howardtypes.RobotarmhandsPennyanapkin）:

Thankyou.

Leonard:

Waitaminute–achild?

Youneverseethisgirl.Youjuste-mailandtextandTwitter.Nowyou’reconsideringhavingababy?

Sheldon:

Amypointedoutthatbetweenthetwoofus,ourgeneticmaterialhasthepotentialofproducingthefirstinalineofintellectuallysuperior,benignoverlordstoguidehumanitytoabrightertomorrow.

Howard:

I’mguessingthatfuturehistorianswillcondemnusfornottakingthisopportunitytokillSheldon.

Penny:

Okay,Ihaveaquestion.

Sheldon:

Yes,Penny.

Penny:

Youdon’tevenlikepeopletouchingyou.Howareyougoingtohavesex?

Sheldon:

WhyonEarthwouldwehavesex?

Penny:

Oh,honey,didyourmomnothavethetalkwithyou?

Youknow,whenyourprivatepartsstartedgrowing?

Sheldon:

I’mquiteawareofthewayhumansusuallyreproduce,whichismessy,unsanitary,andbasedonlivingnexttoyouforthreeyears,involvesloudandunnecessaryappealstoadeity.

Penny:

Oh,God.

Sheldon:

Yes,exactly.Consequently,ifAmyandIchoosetobringnewlifeintothisworld,itwillbeaccomplishedclinically,withfertilityexpertsinalabwithpetridishes.Whichremindsme,youhavebroadhipsandacertaincorn-fedvigour.Isyourwombavailableforrental?

Leonard:

StilldiggingtheShamy?

Penny:

Look,Sheldon,beforeyouraceofftothefertilityclinic,youmightwanttothinkabout,uhgee,Idon’tknow,maybeactuallyspendingsometimewithher.

Sheldon:

Youmeandating?

Penny:

Yeah.

Sheldon:

Ican’tdateAmy.

Penny:

Whynot?

Sheldon:

She’snotmygirlfriend.

Penny:

Okay,look,don’tthinkofitasdatingagirlfriend.Thinkofitas,uh,gettingtoknowthefuturemotherofyourchild.

Sheldon:

Oh.Ihadn’tconsideredthat.Isupposeshewillhavetohaveaccesstoourprogeny.Andyoudon’tthinkIcanachievetherequiredintimacyviatextmessaging?

Penny:

Probablynot.

Sheldon:

Huh.Itwouldappearasifthephonecompanieshavebeenlyingtome.

Scene:

Thehallway.

Sheldon:

（Knock,knock,knock）Penny.（Knock,knock,knock）Penny.（Knock,knock,knock）Penny.

Penny:

YoudorealizeIstandontheothersideofthedoorwaitingforyoutofinishknockingthreetimes.

Sheldon:

Iknow.Icanseetheshadowofyourfeetunderthedoor.

Penny:

Yeah,mypointisit’sawasteoftime.

Sheldon:

Ifyou’relookingforanexampleofawasteoftime,Iwouldreferyoutotheconversationwe’rehavingrightnow.

Penny:

Whatdoyouwant?

Sheldon:

I’vedecidedtotakeyouradviceandhavearrangedtogoonadatewithAmyFarrahFowler.

Penny:

Oh,that’sgreat.Havefun.

Sheldon:

Wait.Youhavetodriveme.

Penny:

What?

Sheldon:

YouknowIdon’tdrive.

Penny:

Well,goaskLeonard.

Sheldon:

Idid.Hesaid,andIquote,askPenny,itwashercockamamieidea.

Penny:

Leonardsaidcockamamie?

Sheldon:

Actually,I’mparaphrasing.HavingbeenraisedinaChristianhousehold,I’muncomfortablewiththelanguageheused.Andtobehonest,I’mnotentirelycomfortablewithcockamamie.

Penny:

Okay,fine.When’sthedate?

Sheldon:

Now.

Penny:

Now?

Sheldon:

Hurry.We’regoingtobelate.

Penny:

Sheldon,diditeveroccurtoyouthatImighthaveotherplans?

Sheldon:

I’msorry.Doyouhaveotherplans?

Penny:

Well,no,notperse,but…

Sheldon:

Sothisconversationisaspointlessasyourdoor-knockingsoliloquy?

Penny:

Letmegetmycockamamiekeys.

Scene:

Howard’sbedroom.Howardisbeingmassagedbytherobothand.

Howard:

Oh,God,thatfeelssogood.Yeah,that’sthespot.Oh,baby.

MrsWolowitz（off）:

Howard,dinner’sready!

Howard:

I’lleatlater.I’mbusy!

Oh,yeah.Justlikearealhand.Hmm.

Scene:

Penny’scar.

Sheldon:

Thankyoufordrivingme.

Penny:

You’rewelcome.

Sheldon:

Iwishyouweren’twearingflip-flops.It’sdangeroustodriveinflip-flops.

Penny:

Sheldon.

Sheldon:

Sorry.Ijustdon’twanttobeyetanotherflip-flopfatality.

Penny:

CanIaskyouaquestion?

Sheldon:

Givenyourcommunitycollegeeducation,Iencourageyoutoaskmeasmanyaspossible.

Penny:

Yeah.Well,myquestionis,andI’mprettysureIknowtheanswer,isthisyourfirstdate?

Sheldon:

Thatdepends.Doessquare-dancingwithmysisterataTeensforJesusFourthofJulyHoedowncountasadate?

Penny:

No.

Sheldon:

Then,thisismyfirstdate.

Penny:

Okay.Well,then,there’sacoupleofthingsyoushouldprobablyknow.

Sheldon:

Ihaveamaster’sdegreeandtwodoctorates.ThethingsIshouldknow,Idoknow.

Penny:

Mypointis,Iknowmoreaboutdatingthanyou,andifyouwereassmartasyouthinkyouare,youwouldlistentome.

Sheldon:

Ifyouknowsomuch,howcomeIhaveadatetonightandyouhavenothingbettertodothandrivemetoit?

Penny:

Fairpoint.

Scene:

Theapartment.

Raj:

Youknow,there’ssomethingI’vealwayswonderedaboutAquaman.

Leonard:

Yeah?

Raj:

Wheredoeshepoop?

Leonard:

What?

Raj:

WhatwouldatoiletlooklikeinAtlantis?

Howwouldyouflushit?

Andwhenyoudidflushit,wherewouldthepoopgo?

Leonard（phonerings）:

Holdthatthought.Hey,Howard,what’sgoingon?

What?

Holdon,Howard,Howard,slowdown.Therobothandisstuckonyourwhat?

（ToRaj）You’renotgoingtobelievethis.

Scene:

Penny’scar.Amyisnowinthebackseat.

Penny:

So,um,Amy,Sheldontellsmeyou’reaneurosomething-or-other.

Amy:

Neurobiologist.Yourcheckenginelightison.

Penny:

Yeah,it’sokay.

Amy:

Butthelightindicates…

Sheldon:

Don’tbother.I’vewastedmanyanhourtiltingatthatparticularwindmill.

Penny:

Um,whatisthatscentyou’rewearing?

Itsmellsgreat.

Amy:

Dandruffshampoo.Ihavedryscalp.

Penny:

Ah.Well,yourhairlooksverynice.

Amy:

Areyouahomosexual?

Penny:

No,no,Iwasjustgivingyouacompliment.

Amy:

Hmm.Wouldhavebeenmoreflatteredifyouwereahomosexual.

Penny:

Guys,how’boutsomemusic?

Sheldon:

Oh,no,Iwouldn’tcareforthat.Amy?

Amy:

No,thankyou.

Penny:

Okay.Uncomfortablesilenceitis.Hey,Sheldon,haveyoutoldAmywhatitwaslikeforyougrowingupinTexas?

Sheldon:

No.

Penny:

Well,whydon’tyoutellher?

Sheldon:

Allright.Itwashell.

Penny:

Anyfollowup,Amy?

Amy:

No.

Penny:

ImyselfgrewupinNebraska.SmalltownoutsideofOmaha.Youknow,niceplace,mostlyfamilyfarms,afewmethlabs.

Sheldon:

I’msorry,howisthisbetterthanuncomfortablesilence?

Penny:

Idon’tknow.Iwasjusttryings